Raising Resilient Kids with Ashley Pagenkopf

Every caregiver wants to protect their children from disappointment, failure and heartbreak. But what if some of those difficult experiences are exactly what children need to grow? In this episode of For Kids' Sake, Ashley Pagenkopf, MS, CCLS discusses the importance of resilience, how children develop it, and why allowing kids to work through challenges may be one of the greatest gifts caregivers can give them. Here’s a summary of our conversation with the Child Life Specialist.

Q: What is resilience?

Ashley Pagenkopf: Resilience is the ability to overcome challenges, adversity and difficult circumstances while continuing to move forward and thrive. It's not about avoiding hard things. It's about learning how to work through them.

Q: Why is resilience so important for children?

Pagenkopf: Life will always include challenges, disappointments and circumstances we cannot control. Resilience helps children learn that their emotions are real and important, but they don't have to be controlled by those emotions. Instead, they can learn how to move through difficult situations and eventually come out stronger on the other side.

Q: How do caregivers know when they're helping versus preventing resilience?

Pagenkopf: A helpful guideline is simple: Don't do for children what they can do for themselves.

What that looks like depends on developmental age. A one-year-old who spills milk may need a caregiver to clean it up. A three-year-old can help clean. An older child should be able to handle the task independently. The goal is to provide support and guidance without taking over.

Q: Why is it sometimes hard for caregivers to step back?

Pagenkopf: Because we love our children. Most caregivers instinctively want to fix problems, remove discomfort and make things easier. But when we constantly step in, we may unintentionally take away opportunities for children to develop problem-solving skills and confidence.

Q: Is allowing children to struggle actually beneficial?

Pagenkopf: Absolutely. Disappointment, frustration and failure are often the experiences that teach resilience.

That doesn't mean we leave children alone with those feelings. We support them through those moments while allowing them to experience and process what happened.

Q: How can caregivers model resilience?

Pagenkopf: Children learn by watching us. If caregivers complain, avoid challenges or shut down emotionally, children may follow those patterns. If caregivers acknowledge difficulties, work through them and cope in healthy ways, children learn that challenges are manageable.

Q: Should parents hide their own struggles from children?

Pagenkopf: Not necessarily. It's okay for children to see that adults experience difficult emotions.

Healthy vulnerability teaches children that sadness, grief and frustration are normal parts of life. It also demonstrates that those feelings don't last forever.

Q: How does social media affect resilience?

Pagenkopf: Social media often shows only the finished product, not the difficult journey that came before it. Children can begin comparing their lives to carefully curated versions of someone else's life. That's why real-life connection matters so much. Face-to-face relationships help children understand that everyone experiences challenges, not just them.

Q: What role does connection play in resilience?

Pagenkopf: Connection is one of the strongest predictors of resilience. Research consistently shows that children who have supportive relationships, friendships and community connections are often better equipped to handle adversity.

Q: Is failure a good teacher?

Pagenkopf: Failure is a wonderful teacher. It's painful, but it teaches lessons success often cannot.

Children learn perseverance, adaptability and confidence by working through setbacks, not by avoiding them.

Q: What's one phrase caregivers should stop saying?

Pagenkopf: "It's okay." Sometimes it isn't okay.

Children often need validation more than reassurance. Instead of immediately saying, "It's okay," try:

• "You're right. That was hard."
• "I wish this had gone differently."
• "I'm sorry you're going through this."

Acknowledging reality helps children process difficult emotions.

Q: What's one everyday activity that helps build resilience?

Pagenkopf: Chores. Cooking, cleaning, laundry and household responsibilities teach persistence because mistakes happen naturally. Children learn to try again, solve problems and keep going.

Final Thoughts

Pagenkopf: It's okay for children to struggle. Caregivers don't need to remove every obstacle. Instead, they can walk alongside children through those difficult moments, helping them process, learn and grow. Resilience isn't built by avoiding hardship. It's built by moving through it together.