Beyond the Phone: A Child Life Specialist's Guide to Staying Connected with Your Kids

By Ashley Pagenkopf, MS, CCLS, Child Life Specialist at Cook Children's

My 14-year-old daughter got her first cell phone back in the spring. It’s pretty locked down. She is able to call and text and has a few apps that are necessary for school. As an early 80s baby, my parents really didn’t have access to me until my senior year of high school when periodically the giant family Nokia cell phone would travel with me for an event. Otherwise, I really am unsure of how we communicated about changes in pick-up times or things I needed throughout the day. I guess it all worked out just fine!

I was beginning to enjoy being able to send a quick “don’t forget” text to my daughter and a “have a great day!” note of encouragement. She would put her phone away for class, but checked it at lunch or a break. She doesn’t have internet, so she didn’t spend a ton of time on it, but I was learning how to be a texting mom. Plot twist – Texas passed a law that says no cell phones can be out or visible during school hours. This means no cell phones at lunch or break. 

It's been interesting to have this change so quickly after my daughter got a phone. There has been nothing but very positive feedback from the educators over the last few weeks. Our school newsletter celebrated the fact that kids were looking each other in the eyes in the hallways and not constantly looking down. They said that kids are more focused during class and have face-to-face conversations during lunch. I believe that this law definitely has some positive implications. However, when I dropped my teen off on Monday morning, knowing I wouldn’t see her until Wednesday night due to my work schedule and her before and after school practices, I wondered how in the world I was going to connect with her in this season. I was sad that I would have to wait until 4 p.m. every day to check in, and even then, it would be short and quick. 

It’s already challenging to connect with our ever-changing kids. Let’s be honest, being able to text them and check in is an easy connection point. But this change offers us all an opportunity to re-engage with our kids and check ourselves. We have the opportunity to embrace this change and still be intentional about connecting with our kids.

1. Set aside a time to talk about life with them. When I picked my daughter up after not seeing her for three days, she told me in our short 15-minute car ride to the next drop-off that she had “SO MUCH” to catch me up on. She asked if I could just come into her room to talk when she finally got home. The reality was that I was very tired and so was she, but we both needed a minute to reconnect and talk about the last three days and organize the rest of the week. I honestly really wanted to watch a show and chill, but instead, I met her in her room and we took time for her to tell me all the things – good and bad. Even if you are able to set aside time before school, any time is great. My middle schooler doesn’t start school until 9 a.m., so we typically have a few minutes before school to catch up. If you work during the day, plan to set aside 10 minutes every other day to sit and talk with your kiddo about the last couple of days.  Maybe offer to go on a walk or go get a treat with them. Any time you set aside for your child is an investment that matters.
2. Get creative with ways to let them know that you see them. Let’s bring back notes! Truly, a lunch box note goes a long way. I used to be way more consistent with lunch notes, and my girls have noticed. This seems like a great time to bring back notebook paper folded notes with the “pull here” tabs. Our kids can all appreciate a good midday encouragement from someone who loves them. You could also surprise them with a treat at pick-up or have lunch with them. Any way that you can let your kids know that you see them and are thinking about them is a win. Our kids need to be seen and known.
3. Show up for their things. Just recently, my new-to-high school kid tried to tell me not to come to the first school pep rally. She wasn’t sure if it was for parents.  Well, I knew better and was there with all the school spirit I could muster up. Life is busy, and when your kids are doing art or playing in the band or playing a sport or part of a play, they want to look out and see you. I’m the first to tell you that the schedule is busy. I have three kids at three different schools this year, and the calendar looks overwhelming. Sometimes my husband and I or grandparents have to divide and conquer all the things, but it means the world to a child for you to be in the crowd cheering them on, or driving across town to see their science fair project, or even being the parent who provided the class snacks this week. When they see that you see them, they feel loved. You will never be able to be at everything, and it’s important to recognize that. So I’m not saying that you can’t miss something, but often kids get dropped off or picked up, and no one sees the middle. While you can’t be at everything, make an effort to show up for some of the things.

I have realized quickly that while I still have eight more years of kids in school, these years will fly. All the parents on the other side tell you that over and over. What if we lived like we actually believed them? This time looks like a lot of sacrifice and tired days, but I am so thankful for the opportunity to know my kids and be a part of what they love. Right now, they are discovering what they love about the world. We can connect with them by coming alongside them and cheering them on while they engage with this life. We can look up from our lives and phones while they look up from theirs. We can start to see them again and spend time watching them grow and change. We can learn to savor the moments we have. And we can all learn to write an old-school note again!