Cultivating Cultural Understanding to Combat Bullying
Texas public and charter schools adopted anti-bullying policies in 2017 to combat bullying and cyberbullying. The Legislature passed “David’s Law” that year.
Despite this, medical professionals at Cook Children’s Health Care System often hear from families concerned about bullying at their children’s schools. Lisa Elliott, Ph.D., a neuropsychologist at Cook Children's, works with children throughout North Texas. She helps equip children and their parents on how to deal with bullies.
“Bullies thrive on the perception of power and control over another person’s emotions,” Elliott said.
While many have heard the rhyme, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” that is not how to respond to a bully. Elliott has developed a nearly foolproof method.
“It’s critical for children to respond to a bully, but how they respond is just as important,” Elliott said.
Do not feed the rat
She explains that it is about using one or two words and tone.
Words she suggests are:
- Okay
- Who cares?
- Whatever
- So what?
- Big deal
However, the tone is just as critical, she explains. The tone should not show negative emotion, pain, frustration, anger, or hurt.
“What that communicates to the bully is, ‘I’ve heard you, but what you’re saying does not bother me,’” Elliott said. “It’s really important for a child to respond to a bully in the appropriate way.”
She adds that this tactic works best for verbal, emotional, and social bullying. If a child is being physically bullied, adults need to take the appropriate steps and inform authorities immediately.
However, if verbal bullying continues and intensifies despite using this method, Elliott says it is time for parents to report it to the proper authorities.
“Texas schools are required to adopt anti-bullying policies, and they’re supposed to establish procedures for reporting those incidents,” Elliott said.
What should parents do?
Elliott encourages parents to have daily conversations with their children. She says being inquisitive and having constant dialogue with children helps build their self-esteem.
The questions she suggests are:
- How was your day?
- What is going on?
- Have there been any bullies?
- Have you bullied anyone?
- Have you seen bullying done to other children?
- How did that make you feel?
- How did that make the other child feel?
It is also an opportunity, Elliott said, for parents to teach lessons in kindness. She encourages parents to take the time to identify their children’s strengths, what makes them special and unique, and empower and develop those skills. Doing so will help build their confidence.
As parents, it is important to have self-awareness that one’s child could be the bully.
“We have to remember our kids may be a bully because they’ve been bullied, they’ve seen it from other kids, or they’ve seen it on the news or from family members,” Elliott said.
She emphasizes it’s not about blaming parents but using the moment to start the dialogue. What are the circumstances or thoughts that led them to this? Elliott says this can help to know how to address those issues.
It helps to lead by example.
“What we expose our children to, in terms of our behavior, what we expose them to in media, any kind of online activities,” Elliott said. “It is our responsibility to teach them how to act.”
She explains it is important for children to learn that everyone needs to be respected, valued, important, and significant, regardless of cultural identity.
“One of the best things we can do is teach our kids to be a positive bystander and how they can stand up for somebody who is being bullied,” Elliott said.
Beyond proactively fostering positive behaviors, parents should be vigilant in recognizing signs of distress in their children.
Parents should look for changes in behavior, like eating habits, trends, isolation, dropping grades, and irritability, and to reach out to their children’s pediatrician. Their doctor can make a referral, or parents can call Cook Children's Behavioral intake.
“A parent should never dismiss those behaviors,” Elliott said.
Addressing these potential warning signs directly, including open discussions about suicide, is a crucial step in ensuring children's safety and well-being.
She adds that no studies have found that discussing suicide leads to suicide; on the contrary, it can help prevent it. However, if a parent feels uncertain about having the conversation, they should speak to their pediatrician.
Ultimately, fostering resilience and providing access to professional help when needed are the most powerful tools parents have to protect their children and guide them toward a healthy and fulfilling life.
