I felt myself learning more about being a parent,” Dr. Charette, a Cook Children’s pediatrician Fort Worth (Magnolia) said. “The move was hard and he struggled. For an hour he worked on the move and during that time he was frustrated. He cried a little. He talked to himself. He fell down. He threw leaves. He got angry. But through all of it he kept trying the move and he got better.”

Dr. Charette stood at a distance and watched her son. Sometimes she retrieved ball for him and said nothing.

“We want to encourage our kids, give them pointers and smooth the way for them,” Dr Charette said. “I am learning as they grow toward adulthood that more often they just want a parent nearby but quiet and staying out of it.”

As hard as it is sometimes, perhaps the best thing we can do for our kids is to allow them to fail.

This means don't do for a child what a child can do for themselves. A school-age child can do self-care and small jobs around the house. A preteen and teen should learn to manage finances, make a meal, do laundry and talk to a teacher or coach on their own.

Kids are more capable than we allow them to be. Dr. Charette suggests we allow them to try something on their own before we show them how to do it. We can allow some frustration now so they can learn how to manage that feeling for life. We can teach them to ask for help when they need it but not step in and offer help too soon. We can give them the confidence to do something on their own by allowing them to try. When we step back we allow them to fail and recover and learn.

Kathleen Powderly, M.D., who shares an office with Dr. Charette, knows as parents we are internally wired to love and protect our children.

As parents we all want our children to thrive and succeed. Providing them with opportunities for the future that we may or may not have had ourselves is important. Our desire for their success is rooted in love.

“Yet as much as it breaks our hearts to see our kids struggle and perhaps fail, it’s important for their development,” Dr. Powderly said. “If we can allow these circumstances to occur, kids build a library of knowledge on how to manage failure. This is important as they grow into adolescence. The normal impulsivity of puberty combined with a lack of resiliency can lead to stress, anxiety, and difficulty adjusting to new circumstances. If this ability is not nurtured while they are young, in the protective environment of a supportive family, the difficulties and failures everyone encounters in adulthood will be magnified.”

So when your first grader forgets his or her library book, don’t make a second trip to the school. In the third grade, if they forget their math homework, do not call around to other parents to find the work and have it emailed to you. In the sixth grade, as group work becomes important, let them design their plan of work. If one child is not working in the group, have your child intercede with them or the teacher. If not chosen for a sports or academic team, do not call the coach or sponsor to complain but have your child ask why and what steps they can to be successful the next time. Let them face the consequences and be supportive of them during these times. Work together on developing a strategy for success whether its advice on how to deal with peers, how to speak with a teacher or coach, or organizational tips.

“I count myself as guilty, on many of the above, with my own teenage son,” Dr. Powderly said. “It has been a learning process as a parent. What a fine line it is between guiding them to success by allowing them to choose their path or not allowing them to experience disappointment because we’ve guided them out of poor choices. They need to learn that no one is successful at everything at all times. Failure in childhood allows kids to realize that a yellow tab on the discipline board or a poor grade on an English project does not define them. This does not mean there are not consequences either at school or home. However, they typically learn that the consequences are not nearly as bad as what they envisioned and many times are given opportunities to correct a mistake. If the first time this occurs is in college or later, they may not have those skills to bounce back.

“Our hearts break when our kids’ hearts break. Yet it is even more amazing to see them succeed after failure. Their vault of resiliency and ability to become mentally healthy adults resides in our capacity as parents to let them fail.”

Fast forward five years and I have learned that my kids can decide for themselves what to wear to keep warm. I let them step outside in the morning and advise them that they might want pants or a jacket, but I let them decide.

Tuesday, they both went to school in shorts, but took a fleece. It was 40 degrees outside. Wednesday was the same.

They might wear pants when the temperature hits 20 degrees… maybe.

Beyond infancy, kids can self-regulate what they wear for warmth. As parents, it’s our job to provide the right clothes and then let them decide.

I encourage my parents to get their kids outside even in cold weather. If it’s above freezing, a jacket is often all they are going to need if they are active. Below freezing, a hat and gloves can be added/offered, but don't be surprised if they come off once your child is active.

Finally, even your toddler can go out and play in the cold for 30 to 60 minutes. Don't be afraid of the cold. There are wonders to discover out there and kids need to be outside. It’s good for their bodies, minds and souls. 

Related Stories

• Can I Take My Newborn Out In The Cold?
• Winter Old Wives Tales: Separating Fact From Fiction

About the author

Vanessa Charette, M.D., has been a pediatrician at Cook Children's for 10 years and is located in Fort Worth. Dr. Charette embraces the many components that contribute to health nutrition, physical activity, emotional, psychological stresses and the environment. As your pediatrician she will spend time with you discussing nutrition, child development and take the time to address any concerns you have about your child's health.

Just like my patients' moms I have lived all of the small daily rituals, frustrations and love that is being a mom. I know that it has made me a better pediatrician and will continue to do so.

I am a better pediatrician because I have experienced life as a mom. I know the tears and tiredness of a new mom and so when she cries at the new baby check I can tell her it's normal and she believes me. I have lived with picky eater and so can give realistic plans for parents to overcome it. Siblings fighting is a weekly event in my home and so I can help with strategies for everyone to get along. I have seen my child limp for days and wondered if it is some terrible illness and so when a mom brings in her child with leg pain I understand what her deepest fear is.

It is all of these and the hundreds of other mom experiences that give me empathy for the moms of my patients. It has made being pro-mom one of my overarching themes in practice.

Remember, on Mother's Day to go and look at your children while they are sleeping. It gives you an immediate feeling of love and peace. Thank you to all the moms that trust me to care for their children.

Happy Mothers Day.

Dr C

8 isn't enough ... life with 9 children

Nine children, ages 3 to 19 years old, make Mother’s Day a pretty special time for Kristy Goodnight. After all, that’s a lot of hugs and kisses to go around ... But when you consider each child has his or her own special needs, life can be amazingly hectic and difficult. And what’s the biggest challenge for the mom of nine? Click to read more.

Dr. Mom: How motherhood changed me as a pediatrician

After completing 24 years of schooling and medical training, you’d think that once I graduated from pediatric residency, I’d know a thing or two about the health of children. And I did. I knew a lot ... Then, I was blessed to have a beautiful son...who decided that I needed to be re-taught a few things about children.

And by a few things, I mean everything. Click to read more.

How being a mom shaped her practice

I am a better pediatrician because I have experienced life as a mom. I know the tears and tiredness of a new mom and so when she cries at the new baby check I can tell her it's normal and she believes me. Click to read more. Click to read more.

If you have been in for a well check this summer, you may have heard me ask your child this question. Why do I ask?  I ask because I am genuinely interested. I have gotten some great recommendations of books for my children to read and books to read aloud as a family from all of you. I also ask because I want your child to know that the adults around them think reading is important and I am hoping that this small question may help them grow in a love of reading. So as we share book titles together this summer, here are some ideas to get and keep your kid reading.

For toddlers that won't sit still: Don't worry about reading the entire story to them. Look at the pictures, point things out on the pages, have them find things on the pages. The Richard Scarry books are great for this and we read them over and over when my kids were this age.

For the school age child that maybe doesn't love reading yet: Get them books on topics they love. Does your boy love Legos? Then Lego® books. Does your girl love animals? Then try National Geographic kids’ animal fact books. They have lots of pictures and fun, short reading sections. Is your kid funny? Then try a joke book – be aware that this leads to the most ridiculous knock-knock jokes being read aloud to you.

For your older school age or teen child: Be a two-person book club. I have done this a few times with my older child and he loves it when I read a book at the same time he is reading it, so he can talk to me about the story. He is so excited to share with another person what is happening with the characters and what may happen next.

For all of your kids: Try reading magazines not just books. Sign your kids up for a reading incentive program. The public library and Braum's both have programs. Do you read on your phone? I do it all the time. Let your kids know that you are reading, not playing the latest version of Angry Birds or Minecraft.

I want your kids to love to read the same as I want my own kids to love to read. So share with me the great books you are reading together. I hope to get out on the patio and read and if I am lucky my boys will be right there next to me doing the same.

Happy summer reading!

Dr C

Vanessa Charette, M.D.

This morning I seriously had a discussion with my 6 year old about how many times he can wear shorts without washing.

Him: “They don't look dirty.”Me: “But you sweat and they smell.”Him: “Mom only my head sweats.”

Ya right!

Today clean shorts are on my child. I won the battle, but my chances of winning the war against a smelly boy unlikely.

 And that's OK. 

As parents we all have battles with our kids, but I can’t help but wonder which ones are really worth the fight.  Which ones are worth the effort to bend your child to your way of thinking?

Some are easy. No brainers.  When it comes to safety we can feel confident that making our child sit in a car seat, wear a bike helmet or learn street safety are worthy the battle.

But others can sometimes seem less clear.  How important is it to have them eat healthy or go to bed on time or take a bath.  It may depend upon the day, or whether we are tired or whether our child is merely protesting or an epic meltdown is in process.

There are a couple I believe are worth the effort. 

Healthy foods and no sugar containing drinks should be fought for.  You will not succeed every time, but I see parents who have made the choice to take a stand on this and their success can and should be duplicated.

Teaching your children to be respectful and kind to others in words and actions is also worth it.  This can take daily and sometimes hourly intervention to achieve (Siblings fighting anyone? At my house just having them walk upstairs together without pushing sometimes requires serious parental guidance).  

Remind yourself parenting is not a sprint, it is a long journey.  Your kids will not remember every lesson, every time.  But trust me, they are learning and the lessons that you make a priority will stick.

So, as you can see clean shorts is not on this list, but still I tell my boys, no teacher wants to have a smelly kid in class.  That has worked for me so far.

Happy mom adventures to all of you this summer.

Dr C

About the author

Vanessa Charette, M.D., has been a pediatrician at Cook Children's for 10 years and is located in Fort Worth. Dr. Charette embraces the many components that contribute to health nutrition, physical activity, emotional, psychological stresses and the environment. As your pediatrician she will spend time with you discussing nutrition, child development and take the time to address any concerns you have about your child's health.