What should parents say if their children ask them about what happened at the Capitol?

First of all, stay calm. If you're not calm at the moment, then wait until you are and then ask them what they've seen, what they've heard, and do they have questions or concerns. Answer their questions, but don’t give them too much information.

The most important thing is to be a good listener, hear them, and try not to share too much of your own anxiety with them. If they say they're anxious, it's okay to say ‘I'm anxious too,’ but don't overplay that because you're their protector. Kids need to feel safe in their own homes and their own communities as much as they can.

Should parents bring this up to children, even if they don’t ask?

I think it depends on the age and maturity of the child. Some kids may hear about it, but really not have much of an understanding of our government and the Capitol. So with these kids, I would ask, ‘What did you hear? Do you have any questions about it?’ Just make sure you're answering their questions rather than bringing it all up yourself. But with some older teenagers, I would certainly bring it up and make it a point of conversation. Ask what their reaction is and see what questions they may have about it.

Should parents let their children watch the news?

I generally don't recommend for kids to watch the news, just because it reports so much of the violence and the negative things that happen. If I wanted them to hear more about a specific thing that happened, I would sit down and watch the news with them and be ready to answer any questions. I'd certainly rather they ask me questions than get information from other people and other sources.

How do you manage what children and teens see about events like this one on social media?

That is a tough one because there's so much out there that we don't really want to see. To me, it's almost like going into a library and looking at all those shelves and deciding ‘What do I want to pick out and read?’ Kids need to think about ‘What do I want to listen to and what do I want to pay attention to?’ I imagine their friends are going to be talking about it and as a parent, it's really important to be aware of what your kids are looking at and what they're seeing and hearing. When they're using social media at home, have them do it with the door open or at the kitchen table, somewhere you can walk by and see what they're doing and not be hidden.

Is there anything else you’d like parents to know?

I can't say strongly enough, watch what your children are looking at on social media. Talk to them about what they're looking at. If they quickly turn it off when you walk into the room, find out what they're looking at. It's so important to set limits on social media. Have them turn their devices into you when they're not supposed to be on them so you can have some control over that.

But too many Thanksgivings end up with huge fights or arguments in front of the kids. The past few months have been especially volatile with an election that could spark opposing sides.

As parents, as hard as it is sometimes, we have to be the grownups. Research from children of divorce shows us that it’s not so much conflicts between adults that are particularly problematic, stressful or damaging to kids, but it’s witnessing conflict without seeing a peaceful resolution.

Whether you are upset over who did or didn’t get in the White House or you are still holding a grudge from a loan that never got paid back, kids need to see us demonstrate the concept of agreeing to disagree while maintaining mutual respect for one another.

We can provide our kids with a good example of learning to listen, genuinely hear, and appreciate another’s perspective even when our ideas may differ. Our unique personal experiences shape our passions, feelings, thoughts, values and opinions. As such, it is impossible for us all to be the same, which is really what would be necessary for us to all agree all of the time. It takes all kinds of people with all kinds of interests and values to make our world work. If we didn’t have such a variety, everyone would be a chocolate ice cream-loving, brussel sprout-hating, mystery-reading , female veterinarian … which means our animals would all be very healthy but our grocery stores would always be low on our favorite treats and the library would have nothing interesting to read since all the books would be about curing sick animals.

Plus, there would also be no turkey on the Thanksgiving table.

So teaching our kids that variety truly is the spice of life because it enriches our experience is critical. At the same time, helping our children understand that even the best chefs make mistakes and use too much of a flavor at times which overwhelms the dish … it’s too spicy … is important too. Sometimes, parents and other grownups are like this when they share their feelings and their passions with others too intensely. We become very protective of our beliefs and opinions, expressing them too loudly and too harshly when we don’t feel heard. Kids really do love it when grownups admit their mistakes. When we are able to accept responsibility for our own lapses in self-control and emotional regulation (scaring or hurting others feelings because we got carried away), we are showing those relationships are important and worthy of mending by seeking forgiveness and reconciliation.

Kids need to see that the important adults in their lives can disagree and still accept, include and love one another.

With young children, consider using ideas/concepts that are familiar, meaningful and relevant to them. Rather than focusing on political, financial, social, or religious issues, you might talk with them about preferences they share with their close friends, as well as things they might disagree about.

For example, “You believe that plain cheese pizza is the best, and you love to go rock climbing. Your best friend loves pepperoni but is afraid of heights and prefers soccer. Your other friend loves cheese, thinks pepperoni is OK, and is bored by everything but video games and Legos. You think pepperoni is gross. “

Who’s right? Is there a right and wrong? Do your feelings about your friends change because they like different things than you do?

The idea you want to help them learn is that everyone’s thoughts, feelings and values are valid and should be treated with respect even when we don’t happen to agree. It’s also important to keep on loving and accepting others who don’t agree with us, even when that same acceptance is not being given in return. Our value does not change just because someone else tells us so. You wouldn’t agree if someone told you your eyes were rainbow colored … that would be silly! You don’t have to agree if they tell you what’s important to you is wrong either.

About the author

Whitney McGee, Psy.D, is a licensed psychologist at Cook Children's. Cook Children's Behavioral Health services provides a broad range of care that focuses on children from ages 3 years through 17, and their families. As part of family-centered care all of our professionals are qualified both through education and experience to work with children who have behavioral and emotional challenges. Our psychiatrists are board certified in child and adolescent psychiatry and our psychologists and therapists are all licensed independently in Texas. Locations include Denton, Fort Worth, Hurst, Lewsville, Mansfield and Southlake. 

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