Parents, take the time to teach your children about body autonomy and that it’s OK to say no to unwanted physical touch, such as hugs and kisses.

Jamye Coffman, M.D., a child abuse pediatrician, had never heard of Show Dogs until yesterday as social media erupted after the movie’s release. Mom blogs and advocacy groups for children asked the producers of the film to recut it over concerns about its genital inspection subplot. A dog in the movie is inspected at a dog show and gradually becomes comfortable with strangers touching his genitals.

The National Center on Sexual Exploitation stated the movie, “sends a troubling message that grooms children for sexual abuse … It contains multiple scenes where a dog character must have its private parts inspected, in the course of which the dog is uncomfortable and wants to stop but is told to go to a ‘Zen place.’”

Yesterday, Global Road Entertainment agreed to recut the movie and delete the scenes that some felt was inappropriate.

Dr. Coffman, the medical director of the Child Advocacy Resources and Evaluation (CARE) team at Cook Children’s, breathed a sigh of relief at this news.

“I haven’t seen the movie but from the description I see the issue parents are having,” Dr. Coffman said. “This movie humanizes the dogs (they talk and have human emotions) and then tells the dog to go to his ‘Zen place,’ while touching privates when he is clearly uncomfortable with it. Dissociation is a coping strategy used by abused children and this movie is promoting that for the dog to cope with the touches. If a child saw this movie a conversation about autonomy and the right to say no is a must.”

Dr. Coffman said parents need to take certain steps to teach their children how to protect themselves:

1. Educate your children. Most importantly, talk to your children about the dangers of predators. “The main thing is to educate your child and let them know what is not appropriate. What’s not OK,” Dr. Coffman said. “For children or young adults, explain to them that it’s never OK to be touched inappropriately by anyone. I don’t care who it is. Mom. Dad. Grandma. Grandpa. A family friend. A pastor. A policeman. A coach. It doesn’t matter who the authority figure is. If you are being abused, tell a trusted adult. If they don’t believe you or do something about it, keep telling an adult until someone does something.”

2. Start at a young age, making children aware of what is and what isn’t inappropriate touching. Dr. Coffman said at around 2 or 3 years old parents can use certain teaching moments to inform children on inappropriate touching. Refer to private parts by their correct names. Teach your child no one is allowed to touch his or her body in these areas, nor show them theirs or pictures of them. If your child uses pet names that you don’t use, this would be a time to question them on where they learned these terms because your family uses the correct anatomical terms.

3. Let your children know it’s OK to talk to you. Generally speaking, Dr. Coffman said pedophiles don’t usually start out being extremely aggressive. They usually start with more generic touching and gaining the child’s trust. Dr. Coffman said that’s why it is extremely important to let your children know that they need to be able to come to you, as a parent, and let you know of anything that’s inappropriate. They also need to be assured that they will not get in trouble if they tell you they are uncomfortable about anything.

4. Communicate and report abuse. Let your child know to tell someone. Just letting someone know and reporting the crime can prevent a whole lot of tragedy. If a child tells you that he or she has been molested or abused, take them to a child abuse pediatrician or a children’s advocacy center. These professionals are trained in asking children questions and recording the story.

If you live in Texas, call the Texas Abuse/Neglect Hotline at 1-800-252-5400 24 hours a day, 7 days a week or click here. Outside of Tarrant County, please visit the Darkness to Light website.

My 4 year old blurted this out with her finger pointed toward a man in a wheelchair. My mom intercepted and gently whispered, “It’s not kind to point.” The gentleman smiled and graciously nodded toward my mom indicating he was not offended. I think we can all agree, we do not want our kids to be that kid – the kid that points or blurts out curiosity so loudly. I was so grateful for the man’s gentle response to my curious daughter. As we piled into the car, the questions came. We proceeded to share with my daughter better ways to respond when we see something we are curious about.

Unfortunately, because we don’t always allow open dialogue with our kids about these hard topics, children’s curiosity can make them feel insecure and unsafe and they can express their insecurity with unkind words, judgmental thoughts, and often times it can escalate to bullying. It’s important for children to have healthy conversations in safe spaces and tools to help them respond appropriately to other kids that look or act different than themselves.

As I watched the trailer for Wonder, the new movie about Auggie Pullman who is a little boy with craniofacial differences, I was struck with anger toward the kids that make fun of him. We are better than this, I thought. The official movie hashtag, #ChooseKind, says it all. We want our kids to choose kindness every time, no matter what.

However, it’s important for kids to have an opportunity to process in a safe space what they are seeing and feeling when they are around people that look or act differently than them. These conversations are important to have with children at any age. It is important to start talking to your kids about this as soon as possible so that you can help shape their responses and teach them what choosing kindness looks like.

Our differences are part of our identity. Each person’s identity encompasses who they are on the outside and the inside. We want to teach our children to celebrate and value differences as opposed to ignore or avoid them. However, people are all in a process of learning how to accept their own identity and the identity of others. As parents and adults, we want to provide safe space for our children to ask questions and express their feelings of curiosity and concern while still choosing kindness. We have an opportunity as adults to help shape how this next generation responds to our differences. We want to be the catalysts to our children choosing kindness. Just like Auggie says in the movie:

“We all deserve a standing ovation at least once in our lives.”

Let’s teach our kids how to stand up.

Take your children to see Wonder and use this as an opportunity to facilitate conversation about kids that look or act different. There are also several children’s books about children with differences that could help facilitate healthy conversations with your children.  

She is especially protective of Riley when looking out for her well-being. She’s on vegetable alert. Remember the peas and broccoli pizza? Disgust also acts as Riley’s social situation monitor, helping her make new friends.

So what really is the value in our children's everyday lives of feeling disgusted? To feel disgust, means we are offended by something, or have an extreme dislike.

When was the last time you said, “That’s disgusting!”? Was someone acting in a way you felt was inappropriate, or was there food on your plate that you truly didn’t want to eat? We can see disgust acted out in kids all the time.

Food sometimes just has to look like it doesn’t taste good, for them to turn up their noses and say, “yuck, not eating that!” Think about all the times you’ve tried to get your child to take medicine that they refuse, or spit back out at you. Those may not seem like the most positive examples, but they’re probably the most realistic. But, if disgust is protective, then it may also keep your child from eating something they shouldn’t, such as bugs, plants or medicine that’s not theirs.

Disgust in the role of acceptable social behaviors has the potential to be very important. If we teach our children there are certain values that are important, and morals to follow, they have the potential to be offended (disgusted) when behaviors opposite to their values are displayed. It may keep them from getting involved in substance abuse, risk taking actions and becoming sexually active. If disgust helps them to live up to the expectations they know are important, then it plays a very positive role with the voices inside their heads.

Disgusted behaviors aren’t always the most positive if you look at sarcasm, being snarky and generally thinking they know everything. We may laugh when we see children react to situations with some level of egocentrism, except maybe when they are our children and we think they’re being rude. So, lesson learned, how children (and adults) display their disgust is important. Just like anger, it’s OK to feel disgusted, but there may be certain behaviors that are unacceptable, such as throwing peas, when we are expressing our disgust. Providing examples of what is acceptable behavior when disgusted, such as using words, not actions, is definitely a teachable moment.

Disgust, in all her green-ness in Inside Out adds a certain level of humor that is probably better understood by adults because it’s subtle and mature. But, don’t we all want to have a little bit of her humor in our heads every day? I know I do.

Related 'Inside Out' topics:

• Sadness
• Fear

About the author

Jill Koss is director of Family Support Services and Child Life at Cook Children's. We know that a child’s illness or injury can impact a family physically, emotionally and financially. Fortunately, you don’t have to face these challenges alone. We provide a growing number of services for patients and families, all designed to help support, heal and encourage you through every step of your journey.

“Inside Out,” the new hit movie, helps us to understand, however, that sadness is just as important to our world and our perceptions, as joy and anger and all of the other emotions we encounter as human beings. We cannot pretend that sadness isn’t there. We cannot ignore it and hope it will go away. There is a reason for our sadness and if we don’t experience that feeling, it gets stuck inside where it grows and festers and can then prevent our other feelings from being realized.

We’ve heard the idea that we can’t know true joy without having known sorrow. The point in the movie where things change is when Riley’s parents stop and listen to her feelings. Riley tells her parents that she misses her old home and she wants to be with her old friends. Nobody is trying to change the way Riley feels. Nobody is trying, including Riley, to cover up her sadness with something else. Riley is allowing herself to feel the sadness and her parents are there with her, allowing her to feel. They are supporting her feelings and are listening to her.

As parents, we want our children to be happy. We want to protect them from pain. Unfortunately, that isn’t always possible. Once we understand that our children must go through pain and sadness, our job is to be there for them in those times.

We must allow those feelings to be experienced and we will likely experience the same feelings with them. Sometimes children (and adults too!) can’t put words to what they feel, but luckily words aren’t always necessary. As parents, we need to realize that at times silence is better. Don’t try to solve the pain. Don’t try to “make it better.”

As hard as it may be, let it happen.

As kids experience their feelings, they will begin to heal. Ask your child what they’re feeling and let them find their own way to tell you. They may not want to talk, so just be there. Hug them. Sit quietly with them and make sure they know you are willing to be by their side no matter what they are feeling. When they do talk about it, validate them. Tell them that it is okay to be sad, or angry, or confused. They need to know that whatever they are feeling is okay; it isn't wrong.

Here are a few examples of validating language that you can use:

“That sounds like it is really hard for you.”

“I can see that ___________ made you feel __________.” (Use their words for these blanks)

“I’m guessing you might have felt ______________ when _______________happened.” (When they aren’t providing you with answers of their own.)

Try to avoid these phrases/comments which invalidate someone:

“It’s not that big of a deal.”

“Don’t worry about it, you’re going to be fine!”

“You’ve got to be a big boy/girl, we’re not going to cry.”

Previous 'Inside Out' topics:

What 'Inside Out' teaches about fear

About the author

Shea Ingram is a music therapist at Cook Children's. At Cook Children's, music provides a creative intervention for children and young adults individually or in a small group format. It allows our young patients an outlet for the physical and emotional challenges they face in their lives.Music as an outlet and/or therapy aids communication and can be helpful to those who find it difficult to express themselves in words. Research supports music effectiveness in many areas such as: overall physical rehabilitation and facilitating movement, increasing people's motivation to become engaged in their treatment, providing emotional support for patients and their families, and providing an outlet for expression of feelings.