The troubling trend I have noticed is with a parental mindset that more equates to a “bestie” than a mom or dad. Your child is not an adult. I am not a child psychologist, so I will not wade through those waters. But, from a perspective of someone who performs root cause analysis of incidents, I must say there are dangers associated with a lax parental structure.

I could give a thousand examples of situations where your child should not have total privacy in their lives. Do you keep up with your child’s grades in school or simply leave it up to them to pass or fail? Do you ask them where they are going when they leave the house or do they have complete privacy and freedom to go wherever they want? Would you want to know if they were getting into something dangerous or making a bad life choice?

I do not understand the opposition; but, I do recognize there are those in opposition to using spyware to keep tabs on what their kids are doing online. All I can say to such opposition is I simply do not agree. This does not mean that I am going to read every conversation they have with their friends. This does not mean I am going to keep track of every single detail of every single site they visit. I am keeping eyes on their activity and can be in a position to recognize when I may need to step in and give guidance.

In performing research on the subject and talking to experts regarding child online safety, a few things tend to float to the surface of the sea of information.

1. You tend to get very few physical queues. Picture your child sitting on the couch with their face aglow from the light of their iPad. What are they doing? They could be watching a music video or chatting with a stranger. Switching from one activity to another does not tend to change their outward appearance or mannerisms. I call this the virtually induced poker face.
2. They feel secure in their environment.  They say hindsight is twenty-twenty. This one can be difficult to explain, so let me put it this way: If your child were in a dark alley and was being approached by the silhouette of a large man, they may become apprehensive, keep their guard up, or become standoffish and not be willing to participate in a conversation. However, if your child feels physically secure in the comfort of your home, they may be more than willing to participate in that conversation. That could lead to them being groomed by a predator.
3. A child doesn’t typically recognize the dangers until it is too late. Online predators are not stupid. While they are morally bankrupt, malicious, calloused, brazen and cruel, the successful ones can be rather intelligent. They are master manipulators with a ton of patience and have the tenacity to stick with a target. They find weaknesses and play on them. They weasel their way into a relationship with the child. They comfort them, take their side on issues, and lure them in. By the time your child recognizes they are in danger, it could be too late.

There are real and proven dangers to allowing a child to have complete privacy and freedom in the virtual world.

I don’t like to cite applications in articles because these articles tend to live on when apps die, the name gets changed, or something even better comes along. However, I will make an exception in this case. Currently, my top pick for spyware in regards to monitoring children is PhoneSheriff. PhoneSheriff has the ability to monitor and alert on a large variety of activity, it offers extensive alert and restriction functionality, and is compatible with any major device type.

Another really good spyware product is Mobistealth. While MobiStealth may be prettier, it is also more expensive than PhoneSheriff and, for me, it has one major weakness. MobiStealth does not give you “Geofencing”. Geofencing allows you to set alerts based on the geographical location of the device. An example of this would be setting up a geofence for your child’s school and another geofence for your home. If your child is supposed to leave school at around 4 p.m. and be home at around 4:30 p.m, you would be alerted when your child (device in hand) left the school and when they arrived home. If the times are off, you would know.

As I stated, these recommendations may change over time. Depending on when you read this, you may need to search for “Best Spyware Apps” and do a little research on your own.

Just remember, you are the parent. If your child has a phone or other device, it is because you allowed them to have that device. I do not recommend giving such devices as gifts and I make it crystal clear to my kids that they are borrowing my phone that is on my plan that is paid for by me and I can shut it off anytime I wish. I do not allow them to have passwords I do not know, I do not allow them to lock me out of the phone, I do not allow them to take the phone to the bathroom or their bedroom with the door closed, and I also have a rule that the phone must be charged at night in my bedroom.

I suggest a combination of prevention and monitoring.

Happy parenting and good luck!

I love to watch them play and have fun, but I’m not watching them every single second. I’m usually reading something on my laptop and I glance up here and there to see what they’re up to. More often than not, they’re pausing to get the rules straight before they conquer that which would destroy us all. However, I have found myself jumping from my seat and running to the back patio door to tell them to stop! Why? Because I notice them doing something with their sticks that has a high potential to hurt one or both of them.

In and of itself a stick is not dangerous. A stick is a stick. You can poke in the mud with it, you can use it to imagine slaying dragons, or you could run with it out in front of you (the tip only inches above the ground, bobbing with every stride) and potentially impale yourself with said stick. Or, you could witness your 4-year-old swinging his stick wildly as the 8 year old, backing up to prevent being struck, stumbles over a toy wheelbarrow while the 4-year-old continues his assault. That’s what got my attention.

So, let’s talk about sticks … I mean apps. It’s the same conversation. Sticks come in all shapes and sizes. Some may be too big for my 4-year-old to handle; however, being a bit older, my 8-year-old may not have a problem with a slightly larger stick. Comparing this to apps on the tablets, my 4-year old does not understand some of the games my 8-year-old might play; but, he loves Reading Eggs®! But, since my 8-year-old is reading chapter books, Reading Eggs® (which helped him at one time) is now a “boring baby game.” For one, the stick is too small. For the other, the stick is just right.

As they grow older, they will want to delve into apps that challenge their maturity level and hold their attention. In the tween years, they will become more and more enthralled with social apps. On into the teen years, connecting with friends will more than likely become far more important than playing Cut the Rope® or Where’s My Water?®. It’s during these transitional periods that we’ll want to glance up from the kitchen table to take a quick peek into the virtual backyard. Knowing how to do this is half the battle.

Any app – even ones designed specifically for the facilitation of risky behavior – can be used in a way that is benign. All children are different and most are going to push the boundaries at some point or another. It’s our job as parents to guide them. In order to guide them, we need to be able to “glance up” to see what they are doing. Are they using social media apps? Are they playing games? What apps do they have loaded on the device? Are they chatting with strangers? What information are they giving out? I could keep adding questions. First, let’s talk about the most dangerous app of all.

Depending on their temperament, maturity level, risk taking, decision making skills, and overall attitude, the most dangerous app could be between your child’s ears. On the flip-side, it could also be the best security app available. Apps are not dangerous. Impaling yourself with apps is dangerous. Teaching your child good decision making skills and helping them to keep their compass as north as possible is the number one best way to prevent harm, period. In order to do that, you have to be able to “glance up” to ensure the compass needle is not falling.

There are two ways to secure a mobile device. One way is preventative security. Net Nanny® is a great app for enforcing parental controls for younger children. It prevents the errant Youtube video from introducing your child to inappropriate content as they follow the rabbit hole after searching for Spiderman. As they get older (and a bit wiser), preventative security measures lose their potency and can lead to a false sense of security for the parent. That’s why I recommend monitoring software.

There are several monitoring software packages available and, as with apps in the app stores, they are a moving target. iSpyoo® for iOS and Android (and other mobile phones) has received an “outstanding” editor’s rating on CNET.com. The review (which can be found on the CNET.com site and a search for iSpyoo) is for Android specifically; however, iSpyoo’s website boasts that “iSpyoo works on all mobile phones and networks from around the world.” Whichever monitoring software you choose, ensure it (1) cannot be detected by your child and (2) can send periodic alerts to your email address. A quick scan of the activity could either set your mind at ease or raise red flags. However, in order for this to work, you must maintain ownership of the device.

As a security professional with over 20 years of experience, I am 100 percent against giving smartphones, tablets, and other devices as gifts unless the rules are laid out appropriately. My rule is that, until you are on your own, you are borrowing MY device. I am the administrator and you are my child. That phone is on MY data plan and, while I did name it as your phone on the carrier’s website, I still pay the bills and I can cancel at any time. If you lay these rules out from the beginning, you could potentially run into far fewer problems down the road.

The bottom line is, yes, there are apps on the markets that give us concern. Some apps can be used for setting up a rendezvous with a stranger in a dark alley. If I were to tell you about specific apps today, I would miss the ones that will be coming out next week, month, or year. In all of my research and expertise, I still have not figured out how to definitively foretell the future. I can predict with a high degree of certainty, however, that there will be more apps coming. Keeping track of what your child does on their phones, tablets or computers will always be the best way to protect them. Just remember to bring your own stick to the game.

About the author

Jody S. Hawkins, Information Systems Security Officer, has been in technology for medical facilities since early 2000 and has been practicing for more than 20 years with his start in the United States Air Force. He is a part of Cook Children's Experts on Call Speakers Bureau. Hawkins specializes in privacy and technology safety and is a regular speaker at the National HIT/HIPAA Conference. He has been quoted and published in several national publications, including Health Information Management Magazine.

Hawkins' can speak on a variety of security topics facing our children & parents today, including:

• Social media
• Cyber bullying
• Sexting
• Safety online (Parents & Child)
• General home networking security
• Virtual Child (Parents)
• Internet Safety (Parents & Child)

The summer is coming to an end and so is our time blogging about reducing our household media time. To finish up the series, I thought I would interview the kids and ask them what they thought about our summer experiment. The answers are very real and brutally honest. .

What was the best part of our screen free experiment this summer?

Max, age 11.5 years – “Hanging out with my friends at the pool more.”

Morgan, age 10 years – “In Michigan, it was like fun because we weren’t always on the screen and stuff, and we had more things to do with the world.”

Matthew, age 6 years – “Nothing at all.”

What was the worst part of being screen free?

Maxwell – “I couldn’t catch up on all the things I was missing on my games and less time playing with my friends (online).”

Morgan – “When I wanted the electronics because there was literally nothing to do, you wouldn’t let me have them, and that really annoyed me.”

Matthew – “I couldn’t play with anybody (online).”

What can we learn from our screen free summer?

Maxwell – “I learned that I play with my friends more online than I do in real life during the summer, not during the school year, but during the summer.”

Morgan – “Video games aren’t the answer to happiness.There are other things you can do besides electronics.”

Matt – “It (the computer) will make you mad if you watch it too long.”

Would you do this screen free experiment again?

Maxwell  - “No.”

Morgan - “I don’t know, maybe, if we go to Michigan, or a different state.”

Matthew – “Um, no.”

What should our family work on next?

Maxwell – “Playing more sports. That would be so much easier.”

Morgan – “Manners. Our family should work on being nicer to each other (siblings fighting). Being more serious about the screen free thing because we still played it a lot.”

Matthew – “Clean the house.”

The answers made me pause and think that while we actually had some pretty great screen free moments this summer, we still have some work to do (and we need to clean the house).

I am so incredibly grateful to Dr. Mangham and to Cook Children’s for this unusual summer experiment! Although we were not “screen free” and did not manage to “go dark” very often, being asked to write about our efforts really opened my eyes to just how much time we do spend on the screen, how much we depend on it and just how capable we are of living without it. We are a family that is “off” more than we are “on” now, and will continue to strive to use it less and less every day.

Thanks so much everyone!

Previous media free stories:

• 'TV head' - Could you unplug?
• Going media free - part 1
• Breaking it to the crew - part 2
• 'Operation Unplug' - part 3
• We far from nailed it - part 4
• Screen free for 20 days - part 5

About the author

Aubrey Conklin, moved to Texas from Michigan via Chicago almost 10 years ago. She’s been married for 14 years and is the  mom to three kids ages 11,10 and 6. A huge sports fan who not only loves all things Detroit sports but spends her own free time playing soccer, volleyball and softball. Aubrey is a part time preschool teacher as well, a volunteer for her kid's school. 

Maybe, that’s the case, but how do you keep your child safe? Before you purchase a phone for your child, we asked Jody Hawkins, Information Systems Security Officer for Cook Children’s Health Care System in Fort Worth, Texas, for a few tips on children owning (or not) a cell phone.

Q: Should I give a cell phone to my child as a gift?

A: Jody advises against cell phones as gifts. He believes parents can establish better boundaries if the phone is presented to the child as belonging to the parent. The parent sets the rules, monitors and guides the child on how to safely use it. A good way of monitoring what apps are installed is to not allow the child to have the password. If the child wants a new app, the parent must enter the password.

Q: Is everything my child posts on the Internet permanent?

A: Yes, for the most part. Some apps and sites have security settings that can be set to “private;” however, these take constant monitoring. Regardless of the site or the settings, if someone can share the post, it becomes very permanent. Once a post is shared, you lose control over the content. Potentially everything your child posts online can be seen now and years to come by people like college recruiters and potential employers.

Q: How can I limit who my child texts?

A: Most of the larger carriers allow you to limit data, text, and calling per individual phone on the account. Parents can contact their cell phone service provider or go to their online account to see what controls are offered.

If you have more questions about cell phones and keeping kids safe, please let us know.