After all, this is a modern classic. So much so that October 3 has become #MeanGirlsDay.

From Heathers to Mean Girls, these ‘rites of passage’ movies have given us insight into the lives of teenage girls. While they may be full of snobs, cliques and at times, cruel behavior, they can’t fully prepare any girl for the reality of social bullying.

Parents, you may know social bullying all too well and not even realize it. This occurs when a group decides to leave someone out on purpose or tells other kids not be friends with a certain child or teen.

But unlike your favorite teen movie, there's not always a happy ending for the kids being bullied.

Social bullying, along with verbal bullying, is often referred to as “mean girl” behavior, said Lisa Elliott, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and clinic manager of Cook Children’s Behavioral Health Clinic in Denton.

She says this form of bullying also includes name-calling, backstabbing, gossiping and spreading rumors.

“When ‘mean girls’ take this negative and aggressive behavior into the world of social media, it now includes cyberbullying, making it even more hurtful and instilling feelings of powerlessness,” Elliott said. “This can be quite painful and has the potential to be psychologically harmful.”

Girls may engage in this type of behavior for several reasons, including:

• Peer pressure.
• Trying to improve their status on the social ladder.
• Excluding those who may be perceived as a threat to their social status.

Regardless of the type of bullying, three elements are generally present:

1. An imbalance of power.
2. Aggressive behavior intended to hurt someone emotionally and/or physically.
3. Pleasure in observing the pain (or assuming there is pain) caused to the person being bullied.

Elliott says your daughter’s response to the mean girl is key.

“All bully behavior is intended to empower the bully, so your daughter’s response is critical – she must be able to acknowledge what the “mean girl(s)” are doing, but also communicate that they don’t have emotional power over her,” Elliott said.

She says if the victim communicates any type of negative emotion (verbally and/or nonverbally) – whether that be pain, hurt, rejection, fear, anger, frustration etc. then she has validated the bully. The bully will only be encouraged to continue the “mean girl” behavior, simply because it empowers them.

Instead, girls should try to respond to the bullies by using select words such as ‘so,’ ‘OK,’ ‘who cares,’ ‘whatever’ and ‘big deal.’

“These words communicate ‘I hear you, but you have no impact on me,’” Elliott said. “However, equally important is the tone in which these words are communicated. It is critical these words are conveyed with NO emotion! If ‘mean girls’ pick up on any emotional weakness, they will continue the negative behavior.”

Another strategy to apply is humor, where you laugh at yourself thus deflecting any hurtfulness.

“It’s important your daughter displays confidence and can defend herself in an assertive manner that is respectful, does not lower her to their level and does not encourage them,” Elliott said.

In addition to having a prepared response, Elliott encourages girls to stay strong, appear confident and smile, primarily because “mean girls” are quite adept at discerning which girls they can manipulate and control. The more confident your daughter portrays herself (not appearing dejected, insecure, hurt, nervous, left-out), the less likely the “mean girls” will repeat their aggressive behavior to her.

Equally important is being a positive bystander. If your daughter sees “mean girl” behavior happening to others, ask her not to stand by and watch. When “mean girls” do not have an audience, they lose power.

To foster your daughter’s self-confidence, help her find areas she can feel success in, such as school, sports, church, community service clubs, or talents like singing or playing an instrument.

You should also monitor her computer and cell phone, and encourage her to spend less time on social media. If bullying expands onto social media, then you need to talk to her teacher, coach or another school official.

While we’ve addressed “mean girls” in this article, no child is bully-proof.

Elliott points to the death of David Molak, a 16-year old San Antonio boy, as an example of the harm that comes from the constant harassment a child receives in the world of cyber bullying. She offers parents the following talking points when speaking to their child about bullying:

• Even people who say they're your friends can bully you.
• You should confront your friends when they're being hurtful to you or others.
• Retaliating may feel good temporarily, but refusing to stoop to the bully's level will win you more popularity in the long run.
• When you hear a false rumor, just ignore it and be yourself.
• You're most likeable when you respect yourself and others.
• Bullies usually have their own insecurities. Returning meanness with kindness is the best way to break down their defense.

In the end, kids should know they may be the best resources to end bullying where they live.

Stories related to this topic:

• Bullying is a ‘serious public health problem’
• Are popular kids bullied?
• Is your teen's smart phone making them depressed?
• The warning signs of teen suicide
• Cutting: Why kids do it

Lisa Elliott, a licensed psychologist and clinic manager of Cook Children’s Behavioral Health in Denton, says some children may threaten suicide in an attempt to get attention or others may be struggling with depression.

“But it doesn’t matter,” Elliott said. “You must take the threat very seriously. If a child is talking about suicide, get help immediately. It’s critical not to ignore this cry for help regardless of their reasons.”

Following a suicide in the community, parents should take the time to talk to their kids.

“Use it as an opportunity to discuss their possible feelings of grief or confusion and be a listening ear and support them,” said Joy Crabtree, a licensed psychologist and clinic manager for Southlake and Northeast Clinic. “Additionally, parents can ask their child if they have ever had any extreme feelings of sadness or thoughts about hurting themselves. If current feelings about wanting to hurt themselves are acknowledged, parents should let their therapist or psychologist know right away. If they do not have a therapist or psychologist, or they are not available, they should be taken to a local mental health facility or hospital emergency room for an evaluation.”

Research has found that about 90 of people who die by suicide experience mental illness.

Elliott says teens with chronic illness, such as depression, are no different than any other child and generally want to be treated just like any other kid. But they should receive professional help and be assessed for anxiety and depression.

“Parents should watch for any change in mood like sadness, depression, hopelessness, irritability, anger and hostility,” Elliott said. “You may see more tearfulness and changes in activity level. Watch for more withdrawal from friends and family, change in friends and loss of interest in activities once enjoyed.”

Elliott says warning signs of teen suicide include:

1. Increased use of alcohol/drugs
2. Preoccupied with death (writing, drawings)
3. Talking about feelings of hopelessness
4. Talking about being a burden to others
5. Telling loved ones goodbye
6. Decline in performance
7. Giving prized possessions away
8. Isolating and withdrawing
9. Acting highly anxious or agitated
10. Acting reckless and taking risks
11. Rages
12. Changes in sleeping and/or eating
13. Dramatic changes in personality and/or appearance

If you feel your child needs help, please call 682-885-3917 for a referral into Cook Children’s Psychology department.

1. Health. Often, new teachers don’t know about your child’s health history. Many kiddos have severe nut allergies and teachers need to be aware of those food allergies, as well as if your child needs special medication or an EpiPen® injection. You should let your teacher know if your child has asthma, is diabetic or has any other serious health condition.

2. Educational Diagnoses. Teachers may not know your child has been diagnosed with a learning difference, dyslexia or an attention deficit problem. This is an opportunity to let teachers know about a 504 plan or IEP for your child. This is also a great time to let your teacher know what your child’s learning style is such as whether they are an auditory, visual or kinetic learner. Sharing your child’s areas of strengths and weaknesses is also helpful.

3. Emotional and family. Inform your teacher of any emotional factors that may impact your child such as divorce, death, illness or a parent being stationed overseas. It’s helpful for teachers to know the emotional factors that are impacting your child’s life which may help your teacher to understand and communicate better with your child.

4. Don’t settle for orientation. Teachers are bombarded with information at meet and greets during orientation. It’s hard to keep everyone and everything straight. My advice is to set up a conference with your child’s teacher as early as possible. One teacher told me she found it really helpful when parents provided a list of bullet points that included helpful information about their child, including the health and educational diagnoses, the strengths and weaknesses of the child, how the student learns the best, what the student responds to best when giving direction or correction and some points about the student’s social and personality style. Go in and set up an appointment one on one, especially if your child has special needs or considerations.

5. Be a team player. Every teacher I have spoken with has told me what they appreciate more than anything is for the parent to ask the teacher, ‘how can we help you? What information do you want to know?’ Most teachers prefer that team approach.

6. Be honest with yourself about your child. This is sometimes the most difficult tip for parents, but it’s so important. Know your child’s strengths and weakness. One of our biggest problems in today’s society is not teaching accountability. Set that example. Make sure your child knows his or her responsibility. Teachers have a difficult enough job without always blaming them, the school or another child. Please make sure you know how your child contributed to a situation and then take appropriate action from there.

Of course every child is different, and special, which makes communication between you and your teacher so important in having a great school year.

About the author

Lisa Elliott is a licensed psychologist and clinic manager of Cook Children’s Behavioral Health, located at 3201 Teasley Lane, Ste. 202, Denton, TX 76210. To make an appointment, call 940-484-4311. Cook Children’s Psychology provides care focused on children’s behavior, from ages 3 years through 17.

Both can be a self-destructive losing battle.

Guilt is a negative emotion and often unhealthy – it can make anyone unhappy, dissatisfied and unproductive. For parents, guilt comes in all forms and I can especially relate to working moms. After all, I’m one myself. According to AmericanProgress.org women make up half of the workforce in the U.S.

Care.com found that 80 percent of working moms feel stressed about balancing child care, work, home and relationships.

It's important to understand there are a multitude of reasons why a mom is in the workplace. Some women may be the sole or primary breadwinner, others work because they can't afford child care and some work because they know that working will help them be a better parent.

It's critical for us as women and mothers not to pass judgement, but rather be supportive of all working women regardless of whether they are an employed mom or a stay at home mom. All mothers are working mothers!

But for the purposes of this article, I will focus on helping employed moms feel better about their decision to work. Often that requires us to look at the definition of what being a good mother is - a good mother is not determined by the number of hours we spend with our children. It's more about ensuring our children that they are wanted, valued and loved.

Working moms, by their example alone, can teach their children the value of hard work, ambition, independence and self-reliance.

The struggle that many working moms ask of themselves, me included, is there a way to balance work and being a mom? While it's a challenge, there are some things that working moms can do to help.

1. First and foremost is to realize we can’t do it all! We absolutely have to let go of some things, especially the unrealistic expectations. It's important to identify every household member’s needs and obligations and to realistically prioritize them. By changing our expectations, we can change other’s expectations of us.
2. We are bombarded with “expert” advice on what we “should” do to be a “good parent.” The bar that has been set for defining what a good parent should do is often ridiculously high and unrealistic. It is critical to remember we do not have to have gourmet meals on the table every night to qualify that we meet the good parent standard. What is most important, as noted previously is to make sure our children know they are very much wanted, loved and valued.
3. We have to enlist everyone’s cooperation and assign responsibilities, even to our children provided they are developmentally appropriate. When our kids were of school age, my husband and I shared the carpool responsibilities, as well as household duties.
4. When we are with our children it's very important to be present and intentional with them. Remove or minimize distractions, be engaged and interested in them. Set aside special time with each child, even if it's a few minutes a day. My son who is a grown man still talks about our hot chocolate/coffee stops as I would take him to elementary school.
5. Create special family activities that nurture each other, but create activities that fit into your schedule and budget. This might be a family board game night, baking cookies or reading a book together. Children also deeply value traditions – creating your own traditions with each child and as a family are very important.
6. Working moms often feel guilty about working and want to make their children happy. Our goal as parents is to raise our children to be responsible adults, which means we set realistic expectations, we assign responsibilities and chores, we follow through with consequences and we teach life lessons.
7. Learn how to set boundaries and how to express those boundaries in a kind way. It’s Ok if you can’t attend every PTA or school function during the day. Communicate that you would love to help and then provide for them the manner in which you can help and in that communication, include your time constraints.
8. Forgive yourself if something does not get accomplished or completed in the manner you had desired. By accepting responsibility and being flexible you are setting an example for your child that we all make mistakes, but we need to be accountable and responsible for them.
9. Create time for yourself and take care of yourself. You will not be good for anyone if you do not take care of yourself.
10. Utilize resources and supports. One of your best resources and support systems are other mothers. Find a local support group on the web or create one with your friends and/or co-workers who can share tips with and/or ask for help and ideas. Find daycares/providers that will assist with homework. Share carpooling responsibilities with other parents. Hire trusted and competent high school or college students to help with facilitating transportation to other activities.

Consider all of these options to help relieve the stress and provide more quality time with your children.

Remember what is most critical is to ensure our children that they are wanted, valued and loved, while raising them to be responsible adults.

A report released this week by the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering and Medicine calls bullying a “serious public health problem” and says the zero-tolerance policies schools use to automatically suspend students for bullying are ineffective.

Lisa Elliott, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and clinic manager of Cook Children’s Behavioral Health Clinic in Denton, agrees.

“There are so many reasons why zero-tolerance policies don’t work. It’s primarily lip service to look good, but without back bone or laws to support the effort,” Elliott said. “The policy is clearly not working. We aren’t looking at the issues and not addressing the problems. We aren’t teaching children effective tools to handle bullying or conflict.”

Elliott is simply fed up. She’s seen too many kids come into her office depressed, frightened or even suicidal because they can’t get away from their bully or bullies.

“I think that bullying is worse than ever before because of cyberbullying,” Elliott said. “Kids can’t get a break.”

May parents in Cook Children’s six-county service region agree. According to the 2015 Community-wide Children’s Health Assessment & Planning Survey (CCHAPS), 16 percent of parents said their child has been bullied, compared to 10 percent in 2012.

Elliott says there are four types of bullying: physical, verbal relationship (or social) and cyberbullying. Each form of bullying is harmful alone, however combined they are even more harmful and powerful.

Elliott points to the death of David Molak, a 16-year old San Antonio boy, as an example of the harm that his family believes comes from the constant harassment a child receives in the world of cyber bullying.

“In today’s age, bullies don’t push you into lockers, they don’t tell their victims to meet them behind the school’s dumpster after class, they cower behind user names and fake profiles from miles away constantly berating and abusing good, innocent people,” Cliff Molak, the boy’s brother, said in a Facebook post that went viral.

Since the death of David, the Molak family has been working to get “David’s Law” passed in Texas, which would address the issue of cyberbullying in Texas and hold those charged with harassment on social media to pay at least a $500 fee or spend up to a year in prison. State legislation will vote on the law in 2017.

“We need consequences for the people responsible for this kind of bullying and harassment,” Elliott said. “Right now cyberbullying isn’t defined in the Texas harassment statute. A law like David’s law is about someone getting picked on around the clock. This is about constant bullying, where the kids feel like there’s no escape.”

No child is bully-proof. Elliott offers parents the following talking points when speaking to their child about bullying:

• Even people who say they're your friends can bully you.
• You should confront your friends when they're being hurtful to you or others.
• Retaliating may feel good temporarily, but refusing to stoop to the bully's level will win you more popularity in the long run.
• When you hear a false rumor, just ignore it and be yourself.
• You're most likeable when you respect yourself and others.
• Bullies usually have their own insecurities. Returning meanness with kindness is the best way to break down their defense.

And in the end to let kids know that they may be the best resources to end bullying where they live.

Researchers from Princeton, Rutgers University and Yale University found that kids could greatly reduce the amount of bullying and student conflict just by spreading the message against bullying. The engaged group of influential students in 56 New Jersey middle schools spread the message about the dangers of bullying using messaging platforms such as Instagram, print posters and colorful wristbands. They discussed how to handle conflict in their own way with the peers. The team saw a 30 percent drop in student conflict reports.

“Kids have to be involved and they have to stand up to the bullies,” Elliott said. “The kids are the teachers in the moment. We need to empower our children to be the game changers.”

While the increase in self-injuries may not seem that extreme, Lisa Elliott, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and clinic manager of Behavioral Health for Cook Children’s in Denton, said the study does not tell the entire story. Sometimes the degree of cutting, for example, may not be severe enough to receive medical attention.

Elliott presents to schools, churches and community organizations on the issue of teens and self-harm injuries. She also treats patients in her practice.

“It can be difficult to determine the prevalence of these types of injuries accurately due to the secretive nature of self-harm prevalence,” Elliott said.

Elliott says that the most accurate numbers show that 20 to 23 percent of teens engage in some type of self-injury. The age of self-harm abuse typically begins between the ages of 12 to 14 years old.

Research shows that gender differences appear only to be associated with method of self-injury. Females are more likely to use cutting. Both genders use burning and self-battery. Caucasians are significantly more likely to engage in self-injury than non-Caucasians.

Methods of self-harm include:

• Cutting (70 percent of self-injuries)
• Carving
• Scratching/biting
• Burning/abrasions/branding
• Hitting themselves
• Picking/pulling skin and hair
• Head banging
• Tattooing
• Excessive body piercing

Injuries are most commonly found on arms, hands, wrists, thighs and stomach.

"This is something we see quite often, mainly in female teenagers, and it has increased dramatically in the last several years once it became a 'thing' that teenagers do and have seen or heard about," said Corwin Warmink, assistant medical director in the Emergency Department at Cook Children's. "It is a response to stress and anxiety and gives the performer a sense of control and eases their anxiety. It is not a suicidal behavior, but some studies have shown people who perform self-injury are more likely to commit suicide than people who do not. It also can be indicative of a more serious mental disorder."

So why do kids harm themselves?

“Kids who repeat self-harm injuries are often trying to ease some type of intense, overwhelming negative emotion such as anger, pain, anxiety or frustration,” Elliott said. “That’s the most common reason, but the second most common reason is self-punishment. They are expressing anger at themselves. This is strongly connected to self-derogation and criticism.”

Other reasons for self-harm include:

• Interpersonal influence – as a means to garner affection/caring from others, to identify/connect with others who have self-injured, to “belong” or fit in with a peer group.
• Stress management.
• To feel a sense of control over their own body, feelings or life situations.
• To provide a distraction from painful emotions through physical pain.

Kids who engage in self-harm behavior are more likely to tell and seek help from a peer their own age than tell a parent. Usually, adults only become involved if that peer tells a grownup and asks for help for his or her friend. Other times, a teacher or coach hears talk among other teens and steps in to help.

Elliott offers these tips to identify if your child is involved in self-harming behavior:

• Dressing in long sleeve shirts/hoodies even in hot weather.
• Wearing concealing outfits.
• Avoiding activities such as sports and swimming.
• Making excuses for having cuts, marks, wounds on body.
• Finding razors, scissors, lighters, knives in unusual places such as under the bed.
• Spending long periods of time locked up in bedroom or bathroom.

For more information

To schedule an appointment or refer a patient to Behavioral Health Services, please call 682-885-3917. To have Lisa Elliott speak more on this topic at your school, church or community organization, click here.

But it’s the age when children began to look at pornography that may shock and concern you. Years ago, the accessibility to pornography was only on the home desktop computer that was monitored, but now, everyone in the house has a laptop, iPad and a smart phone. With children getting phones at a young age, they have access, away from the watchful eyes of their parents. So the temptation is now accessible.

Ernie Allen, former president and CEO of the International Center for Missing & Exploited Children, says the average age of U.S. children exposed to pornography is 12 years old and that one in three 10 year olds view porn.

Allen joined other health experts to speak in front of congressional staff members recently in Washington, D.C. to discuss children and Internet pornography, calling this issue a “public health crisis.”

Lisa Elliott, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and clinic manager of Behavioral Health for Cook Children’s in Denton, agrees with this assessment.

Elliott and her colleagues see children 10, and even younger struggle, with porn addiction. She says porn is so accessible with the Internet that it’s easy for children to view it with little preventing them from seeing it. She says some studies claim that pornography releases the same chemicals in the brain as cocaine addiction, making it one of the hardest to overcome.

“Kids can’t handle what they are seeing,” Elliott said. “It sends such a horrible message about the value of people and what a loving relationship truly is. Their frontal lobe has not developed enough to comprehend what they are viewing and it sends confusing messages on intimacy and what love truly is. Kids then have a hard time distinguishing what is healthy vs. what is not.”

Things have come a long way since the days of a son hiding his dad’s discarded Playboy under the bed or watching a teen flick on one of the movie channels. The Internet allows for quick and easy access to a whole new world of porn, including violent and dangerous acts that can do harm to a person.

“Kids are going to be curious,” Elliott said. “It’s important for parents to talk to their children about what’s healthy and developmentally appropriate for kids their age. It’s uncomfortable for some, but it’s a good idea to sit down with your children and talk to them about sex and healthy relationships. Parents should watch for the signs of what crosses boundaries and educate their kids too on what is out there and how harmful it can be. With my own children, I keep that dialogue going at all times and I’m not afraid to ask them very direct questions.”

So what are the symptoms of a child addicted to porn? Elliott said parents should watch for:

1. Children may isolate themselves from their parents and spend a lot of time in their bedroom or bathroom.
2. Evidence of pornography on their hard drive or web browser.
3. Clearing their history on their phone, tablet or computer.
4. Appears tearful, sullen.
5. Sleep disturbance with either falling asleep, staying asleep or exhaustion.

Elliott says the combination of children becoming desensitized to porn and the accessibility of social media can make for a scary combination, leading to a lack of inhibition and self-control. Elliott said the casual attitude about porn can lead some children to lack the ability to recognize long-term consequences with texting and sexting, Snap Chat, Vine, Facebook, Kik and ChatRoulette.

“Porn exposure can lead to desensitization just like exposure to violence has,” Elliott said. “When our children are exposed to these negative elements they begin to see that behavior is acceptable and normal. Frequent exposure to viewing violence has been shown to normalize that for kids as well as increasing trends in bullying and behaving violently as a way to solve problems. The concern is that children will grow up believing that pornography is normal, routine and that way relationships are, not to mention teaching them to exploit others.”

In a presentation she gives to parents, Elliott gives these numbers:

• Up to 39 percent of teens admit to sexting.
• Fifty-one percent of teen girls feel pressure to take and send explicit photos.
• Twenty-two percent of teen girls and 20 percent of teen boys send nude or semi-nude photos of themselves.

Resources for you:

• How pornography harms children
• Pornography's Progressive Pattern of Addiction
• The impact of pornography on children & youth
• So your kid is looking at porn. Now what?

The documentary describes how Laettner bullied not only the opposition, but his own teammates. And where does the documentary say he learned such behavior? His older brother.

A University of Nebraska-Lincoln study gives a detailed look at bullying from siblings the Journal of Family Violence. The researchers talked to 400 undergraduates and found that students said they were bullied more by their siblings than by other children.

Last year, another study conducted by the University of New Hampshire discovered that 32 percent of children who said they were victimized by a brother or sister reported higher rates of mental-health issues.

Lisa Elliott, Ph.D., clinic manager of Cook Children's Behavioral Health in Denton, Texas, said she has seen several kids lately in her office dealing with problems related to siblings. Elliott, a licensed psychologist, said this goes beyond sibling rivalry or teasing. She is seeing abuse and parents need to be aware of the role they play in this issue. Especially if they are favoring one child over the other. Often times that "favored" child becomes the bully.

“Parents have to be careful that they don’t show favoritism, either directly or indirectly, intentionally or unintentionally,” Elliott said. “The perception of favoritism among siblings is one of the most harmful things parents can do to their children. It’s harmful to the child’s self-esteem, it increases bullying amongst siblings and it often creates very entitled children in the one who is favored.”

A study published in the journal, Pediatrics, showed that kids who had been bullied by their brothers or sisters for a prolonged period of time were twice as likely to report being clinically depressed when they grew up.

"I certainly think in most families there is likely to be some level of conflict or disagreements among siblings at different times," said Joy Crabtree, a licensed psychologist at Cook Children's Southlake Urgent Care and Pediatric Specialties.  "However, I think parents need to be aware of when it may be crossing a line, such as physical altercations, repeated name calling or degrading of a sibling etc. Sometimes it can happen out of ear shot of the parents so it’s important to talk about everyone maintaining respectful communication in the family. If a child feels uncomfortable or targeted, he or she needs to let mom or dad know because it may not be happening in front of the parent. If targeting is occurring, limits and boundaries need to be set so a negative pattern does not continue."

Research conducted by the Universities of Oxford, Warwick, Bristol and University of College London said that bullying among siblings is particularly upsetting because these children have no way out. Bullying includes persistent verbal or physical abuses, as well as just ignoring the other siblings for long periods of time.

“I see children in clinic who are upset about favoritism or jealous of a child or he or she feels an older sibling is being parental or bossy. Sometimes I see feelings of inferiority. But what I hear when it comes to bullying is something very different,” Elliott said. “This is abuse, either physically or verbal. These are siblings and they know each other better than anyone else. That familiarity allows them to say very hurtful comments that the sibling knows is a sensitive or private matter. Sometimes, I see ganging up on a sibling, where multiple brothers or sisters gang up on a child. In those cases, you see extreme physical aggression between siblings that can be every day and makes life miserable for a child.”

Elliott gives the following tips for parents to watch out for sibling bullying:

• All physical bullying needs to be addressed immediately and not tolerated.
• It is critical to understand the causes for the bullying to address whatever those reasons are –

1. If a child is feeling inferior help, build that child’s self-esteem.
2. If you are inadvertently showing what is perceived to be favoritism by one child, modify your behavior and be sure to praise each child equally with positive behavioral anchors.

• Don’t label your children as the “bright one”, the “musical one” etc.
• Finally, it is critical to teach your children how to problem-solve conflict effectively and how to have empathy for others.

Surprised? Lisa Elliott, Ph.D., clinic manager of Cook Children's Behavioral Health in Denton, Texas, isn't. Elliott, a licensed psychologist, says parents and teachers often have an outdated view of what a victim looks like.

"The general public has always perceived that children who are vulnerable to bullying have some sort of social deficit, physical handicap or learning disability," Elliott said. "While this is true, socially adept kids are equally vulnerable to bullying, especially when they attempt to climb the social ladder."

Last year, the American Sociological Review published the "Casualties of Social Combat" study, which examined more than 4,200 middle- and high-school students and found that the more popular students became, the more vulnerable they were to bullying.

Snakes and (Social) Ladders

For several years, Elliott has given presentations on bullying to the local community. She says parents are surprised when they hear a popular student can be both a bully and a victim at the same time. According to Elliott, the danger comes when a child tries to gain more status in a social clique that is emotionally aggressive or manipulative. Signs of this nonphysical bullying can be subtle and easily mislabeled as "drama."

Jockeying for position

According to the study, bullying is more likely to occur within a social group, between two "friends" who are on the same level in social heirarchy. On the outside, this may simply look like typical relationship drama. What's actually happening may be subtle but serious bullying.

How to Stop the Cycle 

No child is bully-proof. According to Elliott, the key is to to make sure your child can spot an unhealthy friendship before it goes too far.

"We should communicate to our children what true friendship is, and what it isn't," Elliott said. "This will help them discern which peers they can trust and which ones are trying to manipulate them."

Elliott offers parents the following talking points when speaking to their child about bullying:

• Even people who say they're your friends, can bully you.
• You should confront your friends when they're being hurtful to you or others.
• Retaliating may feel good temporarily, but refusing to stoop to the bully's level will win you more popularity in the long run.
• When you hear a false rumor, just ignore it and be yourself.
• You're most likeable when you respect yourself and others.
• Bullies usually have their own insecurities. Returning meanness with kindess is the best way to break down their defense.

Warning signs

If you worry your child is being bullied, look for the following signs:

• Sudden change in friendships.
• Unexpected drop in grades.
• Irritability or moodiness.
• Reluctance to go to school.
• Avoidance of social situations.
• Faked illnesses or complaints of feeling sick.

We’ve spent a lot of time recently talking to you grownups out there about all of these conditions in an effort to inform you, but also hopefully to calm your nerves.

But what about your kids? It’s easy to understand why they would panic, especially if they hear of school-aged children being kept home or other kids simply afraid to go to school in fear of Ebola. And it’s all happening in Dallas, so close to where many of them live.

So, what do you say to them?

A lot of it has to do with their age and how much they can comprehend, according to two of our licensed child psychologists at Cook Children’s.

Joy Crabtree, a licensed psychologist for Cook Children’s Behavioral Health in Southlake, said the most important thing parents can do is be there for their children. If your children come to you with questions about anything scary in the news, reassure them that you love them and are there for them. Tell them the chances of them getting a disease such as the Ebola virus is rare. For example, one of the main symptoms of Ebola is fever yet, reassure your child that unless they or someone in their family has travelled to West Africa, or come in contact with anyone from that region, their fever is no more dangerous than any other time they had a fever. We get fever from a lot of things and recover. Answer the questions they ask you, but don’t go off on tangents that will increase their fear. Make sure you know the facts and check them with a reputable source. Don’t drift into other areas that may cause your children discomfort.

Your older children may not want to talk to you about the issues of the day, try to put up a brave front or be blissfully unaware. You know your children better than anyone. If you feel your children are old enough and/or mature enough, and you feel they have heard about it anyway, you might consider bringing up recent events from the news to get their opinion, and to offer reassurance and support.

“For older children, they may have a few initial questions based on what they’ve heard on the news or from friends at school,” Crabtree said. “Make sure that you are giving them accurate information. Make sure to reassure your child, but also let them know that bad things do happen in life. We have to be careful and cautious, but we also can’t live in fear of the unknown. We have to live life to the fullest. You might also let them know that just like there are people (doctors, nurses, etc.) whose job it is to take care of kids, there are people, such as the public health department, whose job it is to take care of communities. They let us know when there is danger and what to do.

Lisa Elliott, a licensed psychologist and clinic manager at the Cook Children’s Psychology clinic in Denton said to keep younger children, elementary age, away from the news and don’t talk to them about something like Ebola unless they ask you. There’s no need to bring up a fearful topic to children, unless it’s for their own good.

For older children, Elliott said ,“There has to be limits to the news and it has to be age appropriate. The older kids can become fixated on bad news sometimes. Help your older children process what they are hearing and make sense of the news. But at the same time, limit them on the amount of news they are watching or reading about. They don’t need to dwell on the issue.”

As for your kids or yourself, Elliott adds it’s a good idea for the entire family to get away from the news and spend some family time together.

After all, the most important thing is to be there for your children.

Related links:

• Ebola in Dallas
• Are you concerned about Ebola?
• 4 reasons not to fear Ebola
• Enterovirus: What we know now
• The flu season
• Whooping cough makes a comeback
• Breaking news: Chikungunya case confirmed in Tarrant County
• Breaking Tarrant County news: Measles alert

For more information

Cook Children's Behavioral Health services provides a broad range of care that focuses on children from 3 years through 17, and their families. We also have some limited services available for children age 2. As part of family-centered care all of our professionals are qualified both through education and experience to work with children who have behavioral and emotional challenges. Our psychiatrists are board certified in child and adolescent psychiatry and our psychologists and therapists are all licensed independently in Texas.

Don’t fall victim to these persistent persuasion tactics by your children. The more children are exposed to on television at a young age, the more they start to see it as normal.

“The more kids see things that are too mature or scary for them, the more they see it as normal and may repeat the behavior whether that is using bad language, or being aggressive or violent,” said Joy Crabtree, a licensed psychologist at Cook Children’s Urgent Care and Pediatric Specialties in Southlake.

Crabtree believes that appropriateness of television shows and movies should be determined by a number of factors such as the age of a child, maturity level and the content of the show.

Crabtree said, “Another important thing to look out for is whether or not the show is a fantasy, like a cartoon, or realistic with “real” people doing inappropriate things. All these things should be taken into account.”

Use these helpful resources, provided by Lisa Elliot, a licensed psychologist and clinic manager at the Cook Children's Psychology clinic in Denton, to help monitor what your child is allowed to see on television. There are online resources where you can look up appropriate ratings of shows/movies to help you as a guide such as http://www.kids-in-mind.com/ and https://www.commonsensemedia.org/. Also, don’t forget to take advantage of your DVR. You can record a show, watch it when it is convenient for you and decide if it is appropriate for your child to watch.

If your child happens to see something inappropriate on television, make sure you discuss the topic and see if they have any questions or concerns over what they saw. As a general rule, parents should monitor how much time kids spend in front of the television and other electronics every day. Use these resources to make sure you know what your child is watching on television this season.

“When a child plays an electronic game and receives frequent intermittent rewards, their brains release dopamine – a neurotransmitter that is closely related to reward motivated behavior,” said Lisa Elliott, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and manager of the Cook Children’s Behavioral Health Clinic in Denton. “In school or in other social situations, a child does not normally receive these rewards, making it more difficult for them to stay focused in a non-technology based situation.”

Elliott believes this is a factor contributing to the recent rise in ADHD. She said she is concerned about gadgets, especially video games, and what they could be doing to harm our children.  By allowing so much focus on technology and mobile devices, children aren’t learning to hold their attention without some type of reward.

Whatever the cause is, Elliott offers four simple ways to prevent the damage that gadgets could be causing your child:

1.Remove any screens from the bedroom.

2.Pay attention to the content your child is viewing, especially violence.

3.Set limits on screen time each day. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends screens be kept out of kids' bedrooms and children should be limited to less than two hours per day of screen time. For children under 2 years of age, all screen media exposure is discouraged.

4.Create healthy playtime such as outdoors or being active.

These simple changes may make the difference in how your children perform this school year.And while your kids may be upset now, they'll thank you later.

About the source

Lisa Elliott is a licensed psychologist and clinic manager of Cook Children's Behavioral Health, located at 3201 Teasley Lane, Ste. 202, Denton, TX 76210. To make an appoinment with her, call 682-885-3917.

About the author

Caroline Gayler volunteers in the public relations department at Cook Children’s Health Care System. She is a senior at TCU majoring in Strategic Communications. 

Depression is a biological illness with a strong hereditary link. Generally, 35 to 40 percent of depressed children have inherited their disease. Usually, parents notice that their child is depressed around the teen years. 

Teens with chronic illness, such as depression, are no different than any other child and generally want to be treated just like any other kid. But they should receive professional help and be assessed for anxiety and depression. 

Parents should watch for any change in mood like sadness, depression, hopelessness, irritability, anger and hostility. You may see more tearfulness and changes in activity level. Watch for more withdrawal from friends and family, change in friends and loss of interest in activities once enjoyed. Other signs include sleep disturbance, change in appetite, restlessness, agitation, fatigue, lack of energy/motivation, feelings of worthlessness and guilt. Depressed kids may have difficulty concentrating, making decisions and may even see a drop in grades. 

Always be aware of signs of depression and keep a close eye on your child. Never ignore symptoms.  If you see signs of depression, contact your physician and obtain referrals for a psychologist or therapist who is trained in pediatric and adolescent care. 

Children threatening suicide may be trying to get attention or may be struggling with depression. But it doesn’t matter. You must take the threat very seriously. If a child is talking about suicide, get help immediately. It is critical not to ignore this cry for help regardless of their reasons. 

Know that if your child is struggling with a chronic illness, including depression, it will impact the entire family. Families will require a lot of support: emotional, financial and physical. Most importantly, the support needs to be ongoing. It’s important to allow family members to vent frustration and grieve. Therapy is very helpful. If your teen is struggling with this problem, the entire family will need help to get through it. The good news is it’s available. If you feel your child needs help, please call 682-885-3917 for a referral into Cook Children’s Psychology department.

About the author

Lisa Elliott is a licensed psychologist and clinic manager of Cook Children’s Behavioral Health, located at 3201 Teasley Lane, Ste. 202, Denton, TX 76210. To make an appointment, call 940-484-4311. Cook Children’s Psychology provides care focused on children’s behavior, from ages 3 years through 17.