Kindness and empathy are important, in fact they are critical. Both are foundational cornerstones for emotional and moral intelligence, and it is the core to a civilized world. Studies have also shown if one experiences empathy, it can stop cruel and/or violent behavior.

On this episode of Raising Joy, neuropsychologist Lisa Elliott, Ph.D., explains how kindness and kind words can change the life of a child. She says the importance of kind words cannot be underestimated towards children, especially in today’s climate.

Raising Joy is part of Cook Children’s Health Care System’s Joy Campaign, a communications initiative aimed at preventing youth suicides. For more information about the Joy Campaign, visit cookchildrens.org/joy.

New episodes of the Raising Joy podcast will be available each Tuesday. It is currently available on all major streaming platforms including Apple, Spotify and Google Podcasts.

Why has kindness endured over evolutionary changes which are tied to survival of the fittest?

Our ancestors evolved as groups and the ones with the strongest bonds survived. The best way to sustain and build strong bonds is being kind to others. Tendencies toward sympathy are instinctual and not some cultural concept. At times, they are even stronger than the instinct for self-preservation:

The quality of kindness is cardioprotective and related to the hormone Oxytocin says Dr. David Hamilton author of The Five Side Effects of Kindness. Oxytocin the hormone responsible for inducing labor is elevated in females who are breastfeeding. Among other things, oxytocin causes blood vessels to expand lowering blood pressure. Oxytocin increases with warm contact and has been postulated to be associated with compassion as well as kindness. Along with oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin ares postulated to kick in and reinforce acts of kindness.

Empathy is described as an effective response that arises from the comprehension of another’s emotional state. It results in having an emotional response that is similar to what the other person is feeling. On the other hand, compassion is usually defined as the deep wish that another be free from suffering, coupled with the motivation to alleviate such suffering. While distinct, it is commonly understood that to be kind and feel compassion, one needs empathy.

This leads us to the area social cognitive skills. We, in the world of Child Behavioral health, commonly see deficits in empathy when children have been through trauma or developmental delays. Working around this has shed some light on looking at practical ways to build on empathy and eventually compassion in children

We can develop in children the habit of having kind thoughts by verbalizing our own kind thoughts about others. It might be easier to share kind words toward family and close friends initially. Smiling more often can be a way of showing kindness in our facial expressions. We can also emphasize kindness by greeting one another in person and complimenting one another when “caught” doing a kind act. Another idea is playing games to help build on social cognition skills for children. This involves mimicking or drawing facial expressions and encouraging children to identify the emotional state associated with expression.

We can read stories around kind acts as well as emphasize news that highlights kindness. This can be valuable to help children focus on the kindness that is ever present in our world. In particular, volunteer activities where the family participates as a unit can not only help teach kindness but also help build the bonds. It’s worth remembering that evolution has taught us that it’s the groups with the strongest bonds that has survived and flourished over centuries. Talking about areas of gratitude in classrooms, at the dinner table or maintaining a gratitude diary boosts happiness, social well-being and health.

Perhaps the most beneficial and unsurprising effect of kindness to others is it teaches us to be kind to ourselves.

Aggressive and destructive behaviors stemming from anger can be a problem for any age, but especially for kids who haven’t yet developed the skills to cope with difficult emotions.

When children act out their anger in destructive ways it becomes a problem for those who witness it or are the target of it, whether at home with family, at school with teachers, or on the playground with peers. It can also be dangerous if a child in a rage flees the school campus, darts into the street, or injures someone by hitting or kicking or throwing things. Children can do a lot of damage to property as well like punching or kicking holes in walls or doors.

Kids can be taught to manage their behaviors when they are angry. Learning that it’s alright to get angry is the place to start. This helps the child feel more normal and that there is nothing “wrong” with them. Then learning useful techniques like removing themselves from the situation, deep breathing exercises, muscle relaxation, and visual imagery increases their coping skills. Physical exercise or even sleeping it off are positive ways to deal with anger. Learning to voice their concerns when calm will help them speak up for themselves, let others know how they are feeling, and lead to improving problem solving skills.

The best way to express anger is calmly with words by either telling someone about their anger or writing about it in a journal. Kids who cannot put their feelings into words or are too young to write can draw pictures of their anger or even just scribble on paper colors that represent their anger.

Many parents who bring in children for counseling who struggle when they get angry report that they have the same struggle with anger and often lash out verbally to their children. This sets a bad example. When I teach anger management in counselling, I usually teach it to the caregiver at the same time so they can reinforce it to their children at home and more importantly, learn it for themselves. Kids learn more about dealing with anger by seeing their parents deal with their own anger than by having someone tell them how to do it. If acting out anger is a family pattern then the whole family can work on improvement together. Kids are more eager to implement positive coping skills when they see other family members doing the same.

About the Author

Sam McCage, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC, is a licensed psychologist at Cook Children's Medical Center. Our experienced psychologists understand the wide-reaching impact of a behavioral disorder, or emotional problems and we will give your child and family all of the tools you need to manage your unique situation. If you would like to schedule an appointment, refer a patient or speak to our staff, please call our Intake Department at 682-885-3917. Click here to learn more.