By Ashley Pagenkopf, MS, CCLS, Child Life Specialist at Cook Children's

I have a middle schooler in my home for the first time this year. I have spent a great deal of time over the last couple of months deciphering the BIG emotions that middle school inevitably brings. It can take some time to get to the real emotion, the real issue. But once we do, I am often reminded of how hard middle school is and that none of it makes sense. Still – all these years later – middle school is still dumb. The only thing left to do is to agree with my daughter about how dumb it really is. So that’s what I try to do – I try to validate her very big emotions…most of the time.

What is validation?

If you are wondering what validation is, that’s OK. We are all learning as we go. (This is an example of validation.) The dictionary defines validation as the “recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.”

Validation plays a significant role in children feeling known and understood and creating an emotionally safe environment in the healthcare setting and at home. When a child can feel understood and heard, they have space to begin to cope with the emotion they are feeling. Without that space, it is very easy for any of us to get wrapped up in the emotion and not be able to find our coping skills. Once we can help children name their emotions more effectively and affirm that their emotion is valid, we will begin to see children regulate their own emotions more effectively. 

Often our children’s big emotions and feelings are met with our own big emotions or feelings, not validation. It is easy to be frustrated and overwhelmed by others’ emotions. As we explore emotional safety among our children, we have to recognize the importance of validation. Children cannot feel emotionally safe if we dismiss their emotions.

I work with children and families in an environment where emotions are always big – the emergency room. All areas of the hospital and doctor’s offices can produce big emotions in our kiddos. It may be helpful to hear what is *not* validating and does not promote emotional safety in the healthcare environment or at home.

1. Threatening is not validating. As parents, we love the “if you don’t _____, then ____” statements. One we often hear as child life specialists is “if you don’t stop crying, they will give you a shot.” This does not help anyone. Not only does this break trust with the health care professionals trying to help your child, but it also intensifies fear amid a child’s already high emotions. Health care professionals are there to help, and a shot may be necessary at some point. Shots are not punishment. We don’t want to punish children in any way for their emotions. Instead, we want to teach them how to cope with them.
2. Promising things is not validating. It is a basic rule in the health care environment not to make promises. Honestly as a parent, there is little that I can promise will or won’t happen. Statements like “If you just do this, then we will go home” does not validate your child’s emotions. This only establishes an expectation that no one in the room can promise. It is not wrong to want to promise these things to try to de-escalate your child, but this also can break trust and give children false hope when a promise cannot be met.
3. Disengaging or leaving is not validating. Often when our children are expressing intense emotions, it is super easy to check out – emotionally or physically. We don’t want to engage the emotions either out of embarrassment, fear of making it worse or we feel the same way and cannot control our own emotions. However, what we communicate to our kids when we disengage is that they are too much and that we can’t be there for them.

These are all responses that happen as we struggle to know what to do as parents. We are desiring to de-escalate the moment, and truthfully we just want to be on the other side of it.

Let’s explore how validation can not only de-escalate the moment, but it also gives our children language to their feelings. It creates a space between the emotion and the moment which allows them to regulate their own emotions more effectively.

• Let your presence be validating. The way you show up for your child matters. Practice being with them amid their emotions. This does not mean matching your child’s emotions. This means staying, listening, and hearing them. It means comforting them and engaging them in the midst of their big emotions. Even if you don’t understand what they are feeling, you can be there to recognize and affirm their emotions.
• Let your words be validating. You can use normalizing language like “It is OK to be scared, worried, etc…” or “Most kids feel anxious about…” or “I remember feeling nervous about…” When you can normalize how kids are feeling, it reminds them that they are not alone and that others have felt these feelings and still been able to keep going. I often remind kids that it is totally normal to feel afraid of an IV or needles. Most kids have some amount of fear of getting an IV or poke. This one statement of validation often changes the tone of a room. Also, let your language be reflective. You can reflect back to them what you are seeing and hearing. “I see that you are feeling nervous about this…” or “This is a lot of information to process. I bet you are feeling a little overwhelmed.” If your child is telling you their emotions, you can reflect back on what they are saying to you. “You are wishing that you could go home” or “You don’t want to do this again and you are totally over this.” Just the recognition of emotion allows room for emotional regulation and being able to put the emotion in its proper place.

Validation is not difficult, but as a parent and caregiver, it does take practice and intentionality. Often it does not come naturally. However, the more time that you spend practicing validating your child, you will find it easier and easier. Validating our kids can be hard, but you’ve got this! ;)

I think in “Inside Out,” Riley’s family is always trying to be positive and give Riley joyful memories throughout her childhood. As the family moves and life starts to unfold negatively, we see other emotions; fear, anger, sadness and disgust, start creeping up in.

We see Joy work harder to keep Riley’s emotions as joyful as possible. Joy is an important part of our memories that we like to revisit. As a child life specialist at Cook Children’s, I try to help normalize the day and make joyful memories with patients and families.

These memories will help children cope with other struggles that they overcome and find joy in their life. As adults, we have a hard time with this because we have so many experiences with sadness, fear, anger and disgust it’s hard for us not to project our feeling on children especially when they are in the hospital.

Children that come into the hospital may experience different emotions, but joy can be found through these emotions, even when as adults we may think there is no joy.

Sometimes kids find so much joy that they don’t want to leave Cook Children’s because it has become a fun and not so scary place. We need to remember to look for joy with all that may go on in a hospital setting.

We might not think children do a great job at a procedure because maybe they cried. However, they may have held still and been able to recover with playing by the end of procedure. This can create a joyful memory with having families at the bedside showing comfort.

Sometimes going through these different periods of our life while growing up and experiencing many things good and bad allow our emotions to interact.

In “Inside Out,” we see that the character Joy realizes toward the end of the movie that you can mix your emotions and this can be considered normal. Joy realizes that you can cry tears of joy. So as a child life specialist we help families realize that tears in a difficult experience may help a child in the future to help to control his or her different emotions. The tears also allow us to look at our long-term memories and see how there might have been joy in that moment after all and change that core memory to be better than we thought.

This allows us to empower children with all these different emotions, especially joy, in their daily lives, in or out of the hospital. Joy is a great emotion which we all deserve to look for daily in our lives and others that live with us. What Joyful memory do you have?

Previous stories in our "Inside Out" series:

• Anger
• Disgust
• Sadness
• Fear

Heather Bayers is a Child Life specialist at Cook Children's. We know that a child’s illness or injury can impact a family physically, emotionally and financially. Fortunately, you don’t have to face these challenges alone. We provide a growing number of services for patients and families, all designed to help support, heal and encourage you through every step of your journey.