Bullying is an age-old issue. Generations old and new are familiar with the power plays of those that intentionally try to hurt another. It happens on the playground, in the classroom, by the locker, at the lunch table, on the bus, through social media networks and everywhere in between, and it can take a toll on a child or teen.

It’s important to understand the true definition of bullying. It is a conscious, intentional, hostile action towards another that is meant to hurt or create fear or terror, according to Lisa Elliott, Ph.D., psychologist and manager of the Behavioral Health Clinic at Cook Children’s in Denton. An act of bullying includes three elements—an imbalance of power, the intent to harm emotionally or physically and pleasure in witnessing the pain.

If you let them, bullies can plant seeds of rejection into your soul, some that can deceive you for a lifetime and create deep-rooted strongholds of confusion, fear, anger, bitterness, insecurity and thoughts of inadequacy, according to Cook Children’s mental health experts.

Research shows that adults who were bullied as a child have an increased risk of depression and anxiety; may suffer long-term negative consequences with jobs, income and relationships; and may experience poorer health. What’s worse, both those who bully and those who are bullied are more likely to exhibit suicide-related behavior.

“Being bullied can be a trauma for some kids because it overwhelms their ability to cope,” said Denise Coover, LCSW, a trauma informed care specialist at Cook Children’s Medical Center.

You Matter

As bullies target the insecurities of others, it can produce shame and guilt in the one being bullied. In the victim’s eyes, their perceived shortcoming or failure is validated by the bully. That’s when a wall goes up in many kids, and they retreat from those who can help them sift through the truth versus the lies.

“What someone says about you does not make it true,” Coover said. “And every negative thought that you have about yourself isn’t always true either. But when a bully hits on a particular insecurity, it’s hard for kids to put that into words so that someone can help them process it.”

On the flip side, those emotions are exactly what fuel bullies and their assaults. The pain bullies inflict on others is a direct result of emotions brewing within themselves, according to Coover. It’s a coping strategy, one that gives them a sense of control of their own perceived failures by elevating themselves over others.

“Kids will use behavior to say there is something wrong here,” Coover said. “And it’s up to a clinician, in-tune parents or a school system to figure out what the problem is because the behavior is telling us there’s something going on.”

It’s not that bullies bully because they are nothing but bullies. They bully because they don’t know who they are. Bullying gives them a sense of identity where they otherwise have no point of reference for purpose, belonging or intrinsic worth of themselves or others. Having a solid grasp on those things is like a coat of armor for kids against both becoming a bully and being negatively impacted by one. Establishing those values starts at home.

“We, as parents, can't be so unaware that we think that our child may not be the bully,” Dr. Elliott said. “It is absolutely critical that we not only talk about this with our children in order to protect them, but we also have to teach them how to be a good citizen.”

Dr. Elliott cautions that parents should not dismiss complaints about their child being a bully or bury their head in shame either. Address the issue. It’s a good opportunity to find out what may be behind the bully behavior, which you can then help your child overcome. Seize the moment to teach them about how to treat others with kindness and compassion. It could be an invaluable growth opportunity for your child and your relationship.

“What kids hear from you is what they will know about themselves,” Coover said about a parent’s role in building strong and resilient children.

Helping kids understand their intrinsic value as a created being can be like a shield from the flaming arrows of a bully. One way parents can plant and water the seeds of purpose and worth is by helping children identify what matters most about them and what is and isn’t true about themselves. They can also help frame their kid’s perspective by encouraging them in the journey of their endeavors, not just reveling in the outcome.

“When a kid brings home straight A’s, it’s a great thing to celebrate,” Coover explained. “But what’s more important for a parent to see and acknowledge is how hard the child worked, their dedication, how much they learned and the steps they took to achieve that. Kids need to hear that from parents, no matter the grade that resulted from their best effort and hard work.”

This helps reinforce competence, confidence and connection — as described in "Building Resilience in Children and Teens" by Kenneth R. Ginsburg, MD, MS Ed, FAAP. Resilience is the ability to bounce back from stress, trauma or hardship. It isn’t something we’re born with, but something learned. Oftentimes, through trial by fire, but also by watching others we love and respect bounce back from a difficult circumstance. Teaching kids to be resilient gives them a hopeful perspective.

The Rise of Cyberbullying

Bullies may use physical force, relentless verbal lashings or social exclusion to intimidate and control. But the rise of the internet and social media has added a new virtual venue where bullies seek to crush the spirit of their target. According to a 2018 Pew Research Study, 59% of teens have experienced some type of cyberbullying.

The pandemic made cyberbullying even easier as kids were forced out of classrooms and onto virtual platforms for learning and socializing. More time online translated to a 70% increase in hateful speech between kids and teens during online chats, according to a study conducted by L1GHT.

“This is a whole new world for parents and kids to navigate,” Dr. Elliott said. “Parents need to have controls. They need to have access to see what their kids are doing. It’s really important for parents to monitor what their kids are viewing, saying and sharing online.”

Cyberbullying can be extreme and pervasive, Dr. Elliott said. The internet is always open for business and provides harassers a direct line into the personal device of a victim. It’s fast, easy, far reaching, can be done anonymously and lives in infamy forever.

Cook Children’s experts shared these tips for protecting your child online:

• Continually educate yourself on the ins and outs of social media outlets. Do you know about TikTok, Instagram, YouTube and Snapchat, just to name a few? If not, you should. This is where your kids are hanging out. Educate yourself on how they work and how your kids are using them.

• Openly discuss bullying and cyberbullying with your kids on a consistent basis. These are conversations that need to be had more than once as your child matures. Ask your child if they have been bullied, how they handled the incident and how it made them feel. Talk to them about what they do when they see others being bullied. Are they being a good bystander? Teach them about empathy, and help them think through how to help others.

• To encourage kids to open up, have them write it, draw it or say it. If talking doesn’t come easy, kids who enjoy writing can journal their thoughts. Those with an artistic flair may prefer to illustrate them. Kids may be more receptive to talking if you strike up a conversation when engaging in an activity together, riding in the car or just having a casual discussion. Learn what communication tool works best for your child and embrace it.

When And How To Intervene

You may sense your child is being bullied if you see a change in their behavior. If they stop doing things they once loved, start spending lots of time alone in their room, are irritable and weepy or their grades plummet, you should take note that something may be wrong.

Sometimes parents need to intervene to stop a bully. Other times they simply need to problem-solve with—not for—their child. Coaching kids on how to respond appropriately on their own helps build confidence and resilience, and helps their brains develop problem-solving skills that benefit them for life.

“If we always do things for our kids, their brains don’t grow,” Coover said. So they become adults who can’t manage any kind of problem in life, because they’ve never had to do it. Someone has always stepped in to take care of it for them so their brain didn’t create those neural pathways to consider solutions.”

To know your role, Dr. Elliott says to start by determining what kind of bullying your child is experiencing. Are they being physically assaulted, verbally harassed or cyberbullied? How often is your child targeted?

If the bully is getting physical or threatening bodily harm, always report it to the proper authorities, be it school administration or law enforcement. In Texas, schools are required to adopt anti-bullying policies and establish procedures for reporting incidents. They must also notify parents and guardians of a reported incident and outline disciplinary actions for those who bully. To better understand the state’s bullying laws, check out tea.texas.gov and stopbullying.gov.

If the harassment is verbal in nature, it may benefit your child to take a different approach, one that equips them to respond to the bully themselves and helps them build life-long conflict management skills.

Don’t Feed The Rat

Knowing how to handle a bully can be the difference between a child suffering silently through relentless attacks versus a single incident that is stymied before it escalates to something more serious. It’s all about the balance of power, Dr. Elliott says, and ignoring a bully isn’t always the answer.

“Bullies thrive on a perception of power and control over another person’s emotions,” Dr. Elliott said. “Even when you ignore a bully, they still assume you are hurting inside. That perceived weakness keeps them coming back time and time again to satisfy their desire for power and control.”

Dr. Elliott has personally developed and tested a bullying response tool that she employs with her patients. Her method teaches kids to respond to bullies in a way that both quiets the harasser and builds resilience in the one being harassed. It essentially conveys a message to the bully that their opinion isn’t valued and, therefore, not offensive. She calls it The Rat Method. Click on the video below to hear Dr. Elliott explain her method in her own words.

There Is Hope

Your child can overcome either being a bully or being the victim of a bully. Together, you can create defenses against bullies, develop empathy for others and foster resilience to stop bullies and their bad intentions in their tracks. Your child’s short and long-term mental and emotional health will be better for it.

According to data released Thursday, suicide rates doubled among girls and increased more than 30 percent among teen boys between 2007 and 2015.

At Cook Children’s, this news comes as no surprise to the behavioral health care workers who see the young adults struggling with depression and other mental health challenges each day.

“It’s not surprising. It’s absolutely heartbreaking, but not surprising,” said Lisa Elliott, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and manager of Cook Children’s Behavioral Health in Denton.

Since 2015, the number of children and teens admitted to Cook Children’s Medical Center after trying to kill themselves has increased significantly. There’s no data available yet to say for certain how many more of these cases there have been, but it’s safe to say the percentage is in the double digits.

“We see the increase in the numbers of calls we receive from parents looking for help whether it’s for therapy or hospitalization,” said Elliott. “Not only is this a real problem across the country, but it’s affecting families right here in North Texas.”

Elliott says one big mistake parents make is believing that stories like this don’t apply to their children. She says when suicide is in the news, parents should use those stories as an opportunity to talk to their kids and teens.

“Ask them why they think this is happening and if they find themselves wishing they weren’t here,” said Elliott. “You can find out a lot about how they are feeling, and how their friends are feeling.”

Also know that kids may not tell you the truth, even if you ask.

“I think it’s important for parents to be mindful and recognize warning signs of suicide, even if their child denies having suicidal thoughts,” Elliott said.

Warning signs of teen suicide include:

1. Increased use of alcohol/drugs
2. Preoccupied with death (writing, drawings)
3. Talking about feelings of hopelessness
4. Talking about being a burden to others
5. Telling loved ones goodbye
6. Decline in performance
7. Giving prized possessions away
8. Isolating and withdrawing
9. Acting highly anxious or agitated
10. Acting reckless and taking risks
11. Rages
12. Changes in sleeping and/or eating
13. Dramatic changes in personality and/or appearance

Bottom line, Elliott says kids need to understand that problems are temporary, but suicide is permanent.

If you feel your child needs help, please click here to find a Cook Children's Behavioral Health location near you. You can also address your concerns with your child’s pediatrician, psychologist or therapist.

Cook Children's Behavioral Health Center

Growing up in today's world is hard and many children or teens may go through life experiences that cause them to feel anxious, depressed or even suicidal. As a parent or a caregiver, it can be hard to know when to ask for help. The Behavioral Health Center brings all services together in an expanded space that will provide a talented, dedicated team of caregivers, physicians and professionals with the facilities, resources, tools and programs they need to ensure that these most vulnerable children receive the high quality treatment they need and deserve. Click here to learn more about an appointment or referral.

The documentary describes how Laettner bullied not only the opposition, but his own teammates. And where does the documentary say he learned such behavior? His older brother.

A University of Nebraska-Lincoln study gives a detailed look at bullying from siblings the Journal of Family Violence. The researchers talked to 400 undergraduates and found that students said they were bullied more by their siblings than by other children.

Last year, another study conducted by the University of New Hampshire discovered that 32 percent of children who said they were victimized by a brother or sister reported higher rates of mental-health issues.

Lisa Elliott, Ph.D., clinic manager of Cook Children's Behavioral Health in Denton, Texas, said she has seen several kids lately in her office dealing with problems related to siblings. Elliott, a licensed psychologist, said this goes beyond sibling rivalry or teasing. She is seeing abuse and parents need to be aware of the role they play in this issue. Especially if they are favoring one child over the other. Often times that "favored" child becomes the bully.

“Parents have to be careful that they don’t show favoritism, either directly or indirectly, intentionally or unintentionally,” Elliott said. “The perception of favoritism among siblings is one of the most harmful things parents can do to their children. It’s harmful to the child’s self-esteem, it increases bullying amongst siblings and it often creates very entitled children in the one who is favored.”

A study published in the journal, Pediatrics, showed that kids who had been bullied by their brothers or sisters for a prolonged period of time were twice as likely to report being clinically depressed when they grew up.

"I certainly think in most families there is likely to be some level of conflict or disagreements among siblings at different times," said Joy Crabtree, a licensed psychologist at Cook Children's Southlake Urgent Care and Pediatric Specialties.  "However, I think parents need to be aware of when it may be crossing a line, such as physical altercations, repeated name calling or degrading of a sibling etc. Sometimes it can happen out of ear shot of the parents so it’s important to talk about everyone maintaining respectful communication in the family. If a child feels uncomfortable or targeted, he or she needs to let mom or dad know because it may not be happening in front of the parent. If targeting is occurring, limits and boundaries need to be set so a negative pattern does not continue."

Research conducted by the Universities of Oxford, Warwick, Bristol and University of College London said that bullying among siblings is particularly upsetting because these children have no way out. Bullying includes persistent verbal or physical abuses, as well as just ignoring the other siblings for long periods of time.

“I see children in clinic who are upset about favoritism or jealous of a child or he or she feels an older sibling is being parental or bossy. Sometimes I see feelings of inferiority. But what I hear when it comes to bullying is something very different,” Elliott said. “This is abuse, either physically or verbal. These are siblings and they know each other better than anyone else. That familiarity allows them to say very hurtful comments that the sibling knows is a sensitive or private matter. Sometimes, I see ganging up on a sibling, where multiple brothers or sisters gang up on a child. In those cases, you see extreme physical aggression between siblings that can be every day and makes life miserable for a child.”

Elliott gives the following tips for parents to watch out for sibling bullying:

• All physical bullying needs to be addressed immediately and not tolerated.
• It is critical to understand the causes for the bullying to address whatever those reasons are –

1. If a child is feeling inferior help, build that child’s self-esteem.
2. If you are inadvertently showing what is perceived to be favoritism by one child, modify your behavior and be sure to praise each child equally with positive behavioral anchors.

• Don’t label your children as the “bright one”, the “musical one” etc.
• Finally, it is critical to teach your children how to problem-solve conflict effectively and how to have empathy for others.

1. Health. Often, teachers don’t know about your child’s health history. Many kiddos have severe nut allergies and teachers need to be aware of those food allergies, as well as if your child needs special medication or an EpiPen^® injection. You should let your teacher know if your child has asthma, is diabetic or has any other serious health condition.
2. Educational Diagnoses. Teachers may not know your child has been diagnosed with a learning difference, dyslexia or an attention deficit problem. This is an opportunity to let teachers know about a 504 plan or IEP for your child. This is also a great time to let your teacher know what your child’s learning style is such as whether they are an auditory, visual, or kinetic learner. Sharing your child’s areas of strengths and weaknesses is also helpful.
3. Emotional and Family. Inform your teacher of any emotional factors that may impact your child such as divorce, death, illness or a parent being stationed overseas. It’s helpful for teachers to know the emotional factors that are impacting your child’s life which may help your teacher to understand and communicate better with your child.
4. Schedule conferences. Teachers are bombarded with information at meet and greets during orientation and other group events throughout the school year. It’s hard to keep everyone and everything straight. My advice is to set up a conference with your child’s teacher as early as possible. One teacher told me she found it really helpful when parents provided a list of bullet points that included helpful information about their child, including the health and educational diagnoses, the strengths and weaknesses of the child, how the student learns the best, what the student responds to best when giving direction or correction, and some points about the student’s social and personality style. Go in and set up an appointment one on one, especially if your child has special needs or considerations.
5. Be a team player. Every teacher I have spoken with has told me what they appreciate more than anything is for the parent to ask the teacher, ‘how can we help you? What information do you want to know?’ Most teachers prefer that team approach.
6. Be honest with yourself about your child. This is sometimes the most difficult for parents, but it’s so important. Know your child’s strengths and weakness. One of our biggest problems in today’s society is not teaching accountability. Set that example. Make sure your child knows his or her responsibility. Teachers have a difficult enough job without always blaming them, the school or another child. Please make sure you know how your child contributed to a situation and then take appropriate action from there.

Of course every child is different, and special, which makes communication between you and your teacher so important in having a great school year; and appreciating one another.