For Lisa Elliott, Ph.D., back to school means a full schedule of therapy sessions that all have a common topic – bullying. Dr. Elliott has been a psychologist at Cook Children’s for 28 years and says bullying now starts as early as Kindergarten.

“We see it moving down in years considerably,” Dr. Elliott said. “Parents need to understand, given our culture, that most children will engage in bully behavior because it is being modeled for them through programs on TV, news media and reports, online exposure and adult actors, sports figures and political figures.”

The pandemic has only made the bullying issue even worse.

“COVID, isolation and increased use of social media have definitely impacted bullying – the number of bully incidents have significantly increased, and the severity has also,” Dr. Elliott said.

Since children spend a large amount of their time at school, teachers have the opportunity to demonstrate inclusion and empathy toward others.

“The reality is that teachers are critical role players, and their kindness matters,” Dr. Elliott said.

Types of Bullying

Four types of bullying exist – physical, verbal, social and cyberbullying.

Physical bullying accounts for less than 1/3 of bullying incidents and more boys engage in this type. 

Verbal bullying is the most common form affecting an individual’s self-esteem and feelings for years, leaving scars that last a lifetime. This includes spreading mean rumors, making accusations that are not true, gossip, lies, spreading embarrassing private truths, name-calling, taunting, belittling and cruel criticism.

Girls have the highest engagement in social bullying – a difficult-to-detect form of bullying including ignoring, isolating, excluding or shunning. It is the most potent kind, especially in the middle school and high school years.

As soon as children have cell phones, cyberbullying comes into play.

“Cyberbullying is 24/7 and has a rapid transmission. It reaches the world in an instant,” Dr. Elliott said.

Five years ago, cyberbullying in schools was addressed with the enforcement of David’s Law in Texas which requires schools to notify the parent of an alleged victim of bullying within three business days of a report, rather than waiting for the findings of an investigation. The school also must adopt policies allowing students to anonymously report incidents of bullying and may expel or place a student in a disciplinary alternative education program.

Signs and Symptoms of Being Bullied:

• Does not want to go to school/skips school/gets into trouble at school
• Grades suffer
• Stops talking about peers and school activities
• Loses interest in activities
• Physical manifestations (sleep disturbances, withdrawal and wanting to be alone, complaints of pain or illnesses, appears tearful, displays victim body language such as keeping head down, hunching shoulders and avoiding eye contact)
• Emotional manifestations (appears sad, angry or irritable, withdraws and acts timid, becomes overly moody or anxious, exhibits aggressive behavior)
•  Social/behavioral manifestations (withdraws socially, changes friends, engages in self-mutilation, threatens violence to self and others, talks of running away or suicide, suddenly stops using the computer or other mobile devices)

Signs and Symptoms of Being the Bully:

• Suddenly stops using the computer/device or turns off the screen when someone comes near
• Appears secretive about what they are doing on the computer/device
• Appears nervous when using a computer/device
• Spends an excessive amount of time on the computer/device

“If your child is bullying others, react calmly and don’t blame yourself because there are so many influences in a child’s life. I commend parents who recognize their child could be a bully,” Dr. Elliott said.

Equip Your Child with a Foolproof Tool

When talking to children about peers, the growth mindset of appreciating and valuing differences of opinion should be addressed. Tell your child how to help a classmate who is being bullied such as spending time with them and encouraging them at school and outside of school, helping them get away from the negative situation and telling an adult. 

After researching various strategies to deal with bullies, Dr. Elliott created a response tool that has proven to stop the bully from coming back for more harassment.

“If you show pain, hurt, fear or anger it feeds the bully,” Dr. Elliott said. "Ignoring the bully still gives them the idea they are successful in hurting the victim which fuels the fire and motivates them to keep bullying. The fewer words you say, the better – use words such as ‘OK’ and ‘whatever’ before walking away.”

This strategy acknowledges the bully while at the same time showing him that the tactics are not effective.

“I’ve never had a child or teenager tell me that it doesn’t work,” Dr. Elliott said.

Proactive Tips for Every Parent

Modeling empathy needs to be at the forefront when raising children. Focusing on others’ needs and feelings will contribute to a child’s overall happiness.

• Openly talk about bullying all the time
• Ask questions like “Has bullying ever happened to you? How did it make you feel?”
• Role play and ask “How do you think this would make you feel?”
• Teach empathy and kindness – have child open doors for people, get involved in a service project

“Kids are naturally born with kindness and empathy,” Dr. Elliott said. "What changes over time is what gets modeled for them and what they see.”

At a minimum, COVID-19 has clearly upended our normal day-to-day functioning. However, for many this pandemic has had a devastating impact.

It’s reported that one-third of the entire global population has been in lockdown mode with school closures impacting an estimated 1.5 billion children worldwide. There are many things to worry about right now when it comes to keeping our families safe and healthy.

Now, we must also worry about the very serious risks associated with your child’s increased online activity.

One of those risks is cyberbullying, and unfortunately 87% of our children and teens have seen cyberbullying online, either as a victim or observer.

With that high rate of occurrence during normal times, there’s legitimate concern for increased risk of children experiencing cyberbullying. After all, most kids have increased time on devices, free time, and frustration.

To further complicate this issue, children and teens may end up suffering silently because they do not have the normal outlets accessible to them to seek help, specifically school counselors, teachers, coaches and peers.

Furthermore, the visual cues that are evident with some types of bullying are not observed, thus bullying incidents go unnoticed and not investigated.

It is critical for parents to be armed with information to help increase their awareness, know what behaviors to look for, how to talk to their child and/or teen and how to help.

Where Cyberbullying Occurs

According to Ditch the Label students identified the social media platforms they experienced cyberbullying on the most:

1. Instagram (42%)
2. Facebook (37%)
3. Snapchat (31%)
4. WhatsApp (12%)
5. YouTube (10%)
6. Twitter (9%)

The Impact of Cyberbullying

Cyberbullying has shown to have a significant negative impact on children and teens including a negative impact on learning, an increase in somatic complaints (i.e., headaches, stomach aches, sleep disturbance), an increase in depression and social anxiety, lowered self-esteem, negative impact on relationships and possible behavior problems.

Thus, it is critical that parents be aware of potential bullying/cyberbullying in order to help their child/teen cope effectively and empower them.

Certain populations are targeted more than others:

• Girls (35%) are more likely to be a victim than boys (26%), according to the Pew Research Center.
• More than half of all children and teens who identify as LGBTQ experienced cyberbullying, according to StopBullying.

What to look for: The signs a child/teen may be a victim of cyberbullying

• Avoiding the use of computers/devices, especially those that have internet access – this is the biggest flag.
• Exhibit anxiety when receiving a text, some type of message or an email.
• Withdrawing from family and friends.
• Isolation.
• Increased agitation, irritability and moodiness.
• Increased anxiety and feelings of being stressed out.
• Exhibits signs of depression, fear or low self-esteem.
• Increased somatic complaints such as headaches and stomach aches or they stop eating.
• Changes in sleep patterns, possibly an increase in nightmares.
• Declining grades.
• Resist attending school and social events, possibly a change in friend group.
• Skipping school and/or getting into trouble at school.
• Increased behavior problems or getting in trouble at school.
• In serious case attempting self-harm and/or suicidal thoughts.

Behaviors to look for that might suggest your child/teen is the cyberbully:

• Stop using their computer/device when someone comes near them.
• Secretive about what they are doing online.
• Spend an excessive amount of time on their computer/device.
• Look nervous or jumpy when they are online.
• Become aggressive and angry when their online activity is limited or removed.

What can parents do to help?

Parents beginning from a young age need to have and encourage open and frequent dialogue in general about bullying and cyberbullying, especially as they gain more access to computers and technology. The reality is bullying is not limited to children and teens, unfortunately it is common among adults as well, so it is important to teach and model healthy social and emotional functioning from an early age. Be sure to talk about what bully/cyberbullying is and how to know when it is happening.

Directly ask your child/teen if they have been or are being bullied/cyberbullied, be willing to share either personal experiences or those of close friends and family so they realize they are not alone. Many children/teens won’t tell their parents that they are being cyberbullied because they are afraid they will lose their computer/device and Internet privileges so it is imperative that you communicate they will not lose their privileges if they are being cyberbullied. Encourage them to unplug from technology or certain apps but do not threaten to take away access.

Teach your child/teen tips on how to stay safe with technology including never sharing their Internet passwords with anyone except parents, never send messages when they are upset or angry, always be polite online – never say something to someone else that would hurt them personally, never put anything online that they would not want their parents to know, never post their own or others’ personal information, refuse to pass along any cyberbully messages and teach them how to be a good bystander – stand up for others and tell others to stop engaging in cyberbully behavior.

Parents need to keep themselves current on technology, apps and acronyms. They should also use parental control apps on your child/teen’s computer and devices. In addition, parents should limit data access and turn off access during certain hours, make it mandatory that you know your child/teen’s passwords and know who your child/teen communicates with online.

If your child/teen does report to you they are being cyberbullied these are guidelines to help you and your child/teen:

• NEVER respond to any message, text or post, regardless of how untrue or hurtful it is
• NEVER seek revenge
• SAVE all the evidence
• Report any issue to the Internet Service Provider (ISP), or social media websites such as Facebook, YouTube
• Report any threats of harm or sexual messages to police
• Report all information to school authorities
• Block all communication with the cyberbully

Resources (with links):

• STOMP Out Bullying
• Cyberbullying.org
• Nobully.org
• Safekids.com
• connectsafely.org
• Staysafeonline.org
• Education.com website
• National Crime Prevention Council
• Stopcyberbullying.org
• Stopbullying.gov
• Center for Safe and Responsible Internet Use
• Cyberbullying Research Center
• DoSomething.org
• WiredSafety.com
• Texas Attorney General’s Office
• National Center for Missing and Exploited Children

A report released this week by the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering and Medicine calls bullying a “serious public health problem” and says the zero-tolerance policies schools use to automatically suspend students for bullying are ineffective.

Lisa Elliott, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and clinic manager of Cook Children’s Behavioral Health Clinic in Denton, agrees.

“There are so many reasons why zero-tolerance policies don’t work. It’s primarily lip service to look good, but without back bone or laws to support the effort,” Elliott said. “The policy is clearly not working. We aren’t looking at the issues and not addressing the problems. We aren’t teaching children effective tools to handle bullying or conflict.”

Elliott is simply fed up. She’s seen too many kids come into her office depressed, frightened or even suicidal because they can’t get away from their bully or bullies.

“I think that bullying is worse than ever before because of cyberbullying,” Elliott said. “Kids can’t get a break.”

May parents in Cook Children’s six-county service region agree. According to the 2015 Community-wide Children’s Health Assessment & Planning Survey (CCHAPS), 16 percent of parents said their child has been bullied, compared to 10 percent in 2012.

Elliott says there are four types of bullying: physical, verbal relationship (or social) and cyberbullying. Each form of bullying is harmful alone, however combined they are even more harmful and powerful.

Elliott points to the death of David Molak, a 16-year old San Antonio boy, as an example of the harm that his family believes comes from the constant harassment a child receives in the world of cyber bullying.

“In today’s age, bullies don’t push you into lockers, they don’t tell their victims to meet them behind the school’s dumpster after class, they cower behind user names and fake profiles from miles away constantly berating and abusing good, innocent people,” Cliff Molak, the boy’s brother, said in a Facebook post that went viral.

Since the death of David, the Molak family has been working to get “David’s Law” passed in Texas, which would address the issue of cyberbullying in Texas and hold those charged with harassment on social media to pay at least a $500 fee or spend up to a year in prison. State legislation will vote on the law in 2017.

“We need consequences for the people responsible for this kind of bullying and harassment,” Elliott said. “Right now cyberbullying isn’t defined in the Texas harassment statute. A law like David’s law is about someone getting picked on around the clock. This is about constant bullying, where the kids feel like there’s no escape.”

No child is bully-proof. Elliott offers parents the following talking points when speaking to their child about bullying:

• Even people who say they're your friends can bully you.
• You should confront your friends when they're being hurtful to you or others.
• Retaliating may feel good temporarily, but refusing to stoop to the bully's level will win you more popularity in the long run.
• When you hear a false rumor, just ignore it and be yourself.
• You're most likeable when you respect yourself and others.
• Bullies usually have their own insecurities. Returning meanness with kindness is the best way to break down their defense.

And in the end to let kids know that they may be the best resources to end bullying where they live.

Researchers from Princeton, Rutgers University and Yale University found that kids could greatly reduce the amount of bullying and student conflict just by spreading the message against bullying. The engaged group of influential students in 56 New Jersey middle schools spread the message about the dangers of bullying using messaging platforms such as Instagram, print posters and colorful wristbands. They discussed how to handle conflict in their own way with the peers. The team saw a 30 percent drop in student conflict reports.

“Kids have to be involved and they have to stand up to the bullies,” Elliott said. “The kids are the teachers in the moment. We need to empower our children to be the game changers.”