Q: What is resilience?

Ashley Pagenkopf: Resilience is the ability to overcome challenges, adversity and difficult circumstances while continuing to move forward and thrive. It's not about avoiding hard things. It's about learning how to work through them.

Q: Why is resilience so important for children?

Pagenkopf: Life will always include challenges, disappointments and circumstances we cannot control. Resilience helps children learn that their emotions are real and important, but they don't have to be controlled by those emotions. Instead, they can learn how to move through difficult situations and eventually come out stronger on the other side.

Q: How do caregivers know when they're helping versus preventing resilience?

Pagenkopf: A helpful guideline is simple: Don't do for children what they can do for themselves.

What that looks like depends on developmental age. A one-year-old who spills milk may need a caregiver to clean it up. A three-year-old can help clean. An older child should be able to handle the task independently. The goal is to provide support and guidance without taking over.

Q: Why is it sometimes hard for caregivers to step back?

Pagenkopf: Because we love our children. Most caregivers instinctively want to fix problems, remove discomfort and make things easier. But when we constantly step in, we may unintentionally take away opportunities for children to develop problem-solving skills and confidence.

Q: Is allowing children to struggle actually beneficial?

Pagenkopf: Absolutely. Disappointment, frustration and failure are often the experiences that teach resilience.

That doesn't mean we leave children alone with those feelings. We support them through those moments while allowing them to experience and process what happened.

Q: How can caregivers model resilience?

Pagenkopf: Children learn by watching us. If caregivers complain, avoid challenges or shut down emotionally, children may follow those patterns. If caregivers acknowledge difficulties, work through them and cope in healthy ways, children learn that challenges are manageable.

Q: Should parents hide their own struggles from children?

Pagenkopf: Not necessarily. It's okay for children to see that adults experience difficult emotions.

Healthy vulnerability teaches children that sadness, grief and frustration are normal parts of life. It also demonstrates that those feelings don't last forever.

Q: How does social media affect resilience?

Pagenkopf: Social media often shows only the finished product, not the difficult journey that came before it. Children can begin comparing their lives to carefully curated versions of someone else's life. That's why real-life connection matters so much. Face-to-face relationships help children understand that everyone experiences challenges, not just them.

Q: What role does connection play in resilience?

Pagenkopf: Connection is one of the strongest predictors of resilience. Research consistently shows that children who have supportive relationships, friendships and community connections are often better equipped to handle adversity.

Q: Is failure a good teacher?

Pagenkopf: Failure is a wonderful teacher. It's painful, but it teaches lessons success often cannot.

Children learn perseverance, adaptability and confidence by working through setbacks, not by avoiding them.

Q: What's one phrase caregivers should stop saying?

Pagenkopf: "It's okay." Sometimes it isn't okay.

Children often need validation more than reassurance. Instead of immediately saying, "It's okay," try:

• "You're right. That was hard."
• "I wish this had gone differently."
• "I'm sorry you're going through this."

Acknowledging reality helps children process difficult emotions.

Q: What's one everyday activity that helps build resilience?

Pagenkopf: Chores. Cooking, cleaning, laundry and household responsibilities teach persistence because mistakes happen naturally. Children learn to try again, solve problems and keep going.

Final Thoughts

Pagenkopf: It's okay for children to struggle. Caregivers don't need to remove every obstacle. Instead, they can walk alongside children through those difficult moments, helping them process, learn and grow. Resilience isn't built by avoiding hardship. It's built by moving through it together.

Q: Why did you begin creating online content for families?

Dr. Smith: Early in my career, I noticed caregivers were looking online for answers but often struggled to find reliable, practical information. Rather than criticizing families for searching online, I felt pediatricians had an opportunity to meet families where they are and provide trustworthy guidance in a way that's approachable and easy to understand.

Q: Have the questions caregivers ask changed over the years?

Dr. Smith: Absolutely. Many families arrive at appointments having already researched symptoms and tried reasonable first steps at home. Because of that, conversations in the office have become more nuanced. Instead of asking what to do first, families are often asking what to do next after those first solutions haven't worked.

Q: What concerns do caregivers commonly bring up that may seem small at first?

Dr. Smith: One common topic is behavior and communication. Families often notice that their child seems different at home than at school. Instead of asking broad questions like "How was your day?" caregivers can ask more specific questions:

• What was the best part of your day?
• Was anything frustrating today?
• Who did you sit with at lunch?

Those thoughtful questions often open the door to deeper conversations.

Q: What is one of the biggest misconceptions about parenting?

Dr. Smith: Many caregivers believe there is a perfect parenting handbook that everyone else somehow received. The reality is that parenting isn't about following an exact set of instructions. Children are constantly growing, changing and developing. Caregivers are learning right alongside them. The goal isn't perfection. It's engagement, flexibility and growth.

Q: Why are so many families feeling anxious today?

Dr. Smith: Information overload. Technology has made parenting resources more accessible, but it has also created an environment where caregivers feel pressure to know everything and get everything right. Social media often shows only the highlights of family life, creating unrealistic expectations and fueling perfectionism.

Q: Are caregivers putting too much pressure on themselves?

Dr. Smith: In many cases, yes. Parents often arrive at checkups wondering if they're doing everything correctly. While it's normal to seek reassurance, unrealistic expectations can lead to unnecessary stress, anxiety and self-doubt. Most families are doing far better than they realize.

Q: What's one symptom families tend to worry about too much?

Dr. Smith: Rashes. While some rashes require medical attention, many are harmless and resolve on their own. Context matters. A child acting normally is usually reassuring, while a child who appears ill should be evaluated.

Q: What's your best advice for busy families?

Dr. Smith: Eat together whenever possible. Shared meals create opportunities for connection, healthy habits and meaningful conversations. Putting away phones and focusing on one another may be one of the most valuable things families can do for their children's long-term physical and mental health.

Final Thoughts

Dr. Smith: You're probably doing better than you think. Children don't need perfect caregivers. They need adults who love them, support them and continue showing up each day.

As a result, some experts say many children are behind in their social and emotional development. In the first and second grade, kids are struggling with basic skills they’d typically learn in preschool and kindergarten, like taking turns, working in groups, keeping their hands to themselves, sitting quietly for a period of time, standing in line or unpacking their backpack on their own.

“Since the pandemic, I've noticed a lot of regression in kids,” said Amy Arriaga, a pre-K teacher at Fort Worth Independent School District’s Mendoza Elementary. “They have regressed to like they are at 2 or 3 years old and not 4 and 5. I’ve noticed an increase in separation anxiety. Now that we’re starting to go back to normal somewhat and mom and dad say you have to go to school, kids are like, ‘but you’re not going to go with me?’ I’ve also noticed more aggressive behavior and not being able to keep their hands to themselves.”

There’s also been a loss in the mastery of fine motor skills, according to Arriaga. She said most kids used to start pre-K with some basic skills, like how to properly hold a crayon and recognition of some shapes, letters and numbers. That’s not the case this school year.

Teasha-lee Frattarelli, D.O., is a developmental behavioral pediatrician at Cook Children’s Child Study Center. She said what teachers are likely seeing is a lack of typical or normal progression of pre-K students due to fewer opportunities to experience and practice their pre-academic skills, social skills and emotional self-regulation skills with peers and teachers outside of their family.

“I don’t think the children are regressing with their skills,” Dr. Frattarelli said. “It is actually a lack of progression that teachers are reporting which is likely due to the unprecedented experience during the pandemic, particularly when isolated with their family without an opportunity to attend school or daycare in person.”

The early years of education are the ones where kids get hands-on experience with life lessons that shape their social skills. What might look like play and entertainment to the untrained eye, be it in the classroom or on the playground, is actually reinforcing behavioral expectations, healthy relationships and emotional regulation in a way that appeals to kids.

Playing together in centers teaches little ones how to share, work together and relate to each other. A game of Mother May I challenges kids to listen and follow directions. Storytime on the carpet helps busy little ones learn to sit quietly and process what they are hearing.

“Teachers teach those behavioral expectations,” said Kathleen Kyzar, Ph.D., associate professor of early childhood education at Texas Christian University’s College of Education. “What does it look like to stand in line? What does it not look like to stand in line? What does it look like to have to sit in our seat appropriately? What does it not look like? Now we’re going to practice that. We’re going to teach you explicitly what we expect of you when you’re in school.”

Mastering social and emotional skills is as important to a child’s foundation and future as reading, writing and arithmetic. There is research-based evidence that positive social skills promote positive academic skills, according to Kyzar.

But the pandemic disrupted all of that and now teachers and parents are playing catch up to help kids reach their social and emotional milestones.

“I would say the pandemic has definitely taken people off of their typical developmental trajectory,” said Casey Call, Ph.D., LPC, associate director of professional practice and associate director of education at TCU’s Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development. “In intervening with children there are two big areas that we focus on. One is building healthy relationships and the other is practicing regulation. The students who haven’t been in a classroom consistently or had any early childhood education have the potential to really get off of their developmental trajectory in these two skills.”

Regulation is the ability of a child to adjust, manage and cope with their environment and situation. As babies, they solely rely on their parents to regulate their environment for them. Eventually, they’re able to point to a blanket if they’re cold and then rely on someone else to give it to them. That’s called co-regulation. In time, they can self-regulate and get up to get the blanket and cover themselves with it.

It’s the co-regulation and self-regulation pieces that some kids are lacking because those are the pieces that require teaching, mentoring and practice. But young children haven’t had consistent opportunities to practice those things outside of their homes and in situations with others where they must manage big emotions and big behaviors. Those immature relationships and regulation skills are evident in many early childhood and elementary classrooms today.

“Early childhood teachers are setting the stage for understanding one’s emotions and being able to regulate behavior,” Dr. Kyzar said. “So engaging in turn-taking so that we understand that it’s my turn now and then it’s going to be my friend’s turn and I need to wait. Those are skills that are setting them up for academic learning later on and being resilient, listening to each other, and learning to problem-solve.”

For kids, consistency is key. It plays a huge role in their feeling of security. Kids who feel safe and secure are less anxious, better able to focus and have more energy to spend on learning. Consistent classroom routines set the stage for learning. Preschool and kindergarten teachers usually spend the first half of the year just going over classroom routines. Once those routines are in place, learning can begin. But with so many stops and starts to the school year, teachers have had to start again, and again, and again in teaching routines and acceptable behavior just to get kids ready to learn.

That’s why it’s so important to reinforce these activities at home. Practicing, modeling and reinforcing social and emotional skills at home — taking turns, keeping emotions in check during conflict, listening well, following instructions, being patient — can help set kids up for success in school and in life.

The good news is that helping kids get back on their developmental track with these skills doesn’t have to be complicated. Kids engage, speak, process and learn through play. Fun is their universal language. When they’re playing and having fun, they’re also practicing important life skills. For example, a game like Simon Says reinforces regulation while players listen, wait and think about their response. And as you play with your child — or cook with them, take a walk with them or participate in any activity they enjoy — you’re modeling what a safe and nurturing relationship looks like.

“I think the stress that parents have been feeling has been really overwhelming,” Dr. Call said. “With everything they have on their to-do lists sometimes parents can spend all of their time on structure, things like setting and enforcing rules, correcting behavior, and making sure school work is complete, while the nurture, or the joy and play, gets pushed down to the bottom of their list. When stress is high, we need to make it a priority to balance nurture and structure.”

Parents, teachers and kids will inevitably play catch up on meeting these social and emotional milestones in the months and years ahead, and time will tell the depth and breadth of developmental and learning loss due to the pandemic. If your child is struggling with social skills and regulating their emotions, set aside a little time for some fun. If you feel they are particularly behind or struggling to cope, talk to their teacher or pediatrician for guidance and help.

That question makes me cringe. Not because of the question itself. I understand it. As parents, we all want what’s best for our children. I’m not afraid of the question or looking to evade it. It’s just who is making the choice on what’s “normal.” I use the opportunity to talk to parents. To reframe what may be thought of as normal, go over their concerns and provide perspective.

Here are some basic guidelines that I give to parents on how a child should be developmentally from 1 to 6 years old. Every child is different and this is only a starting point. If you have you concerns, please talk with your pediatrician for a referral to a speech/language pathologist.

• 12 months old - Children usually can say 1-21 words on their own, actively listen, wave bye-bye, look around when asked, "Where is __?" and use real and toy objects to act out common actions, e.g., feeding, cleaning, etc.
• 24 months old - Speak 145-150 words, combine 2-3 words, produce plural - s and - ing words, enjoy nursery rhymes, finger play and songs and put 2-3 actions in symbolic play.
• 30 months old - Say 360-600 words, speak in simple sentences, have his or her speech understood by family members, listen to real stories and start role playing in life experiences, such as going to the doctor.
• 36 months old - Say so many words you can't count them, have his or her speech understood by more than half the people your child meets, use "I, me, my and you" correctly. Answer what, where, when and who questions and retell familiar stories. At this age, children should be asking questions, not learning to read yet, but enjoying books and making friends. 
• 4 years old - Your child should start playing with words and making up stories. Most children at this age will be playing with friends and pretending to be a superhero, a cowboy, a parent or an animal. Children may begin using voices as characters and creating their own costumes and props.
• 5 years old - Most children at this age have started school. They can sit and listen for a whole story. They will start using words such as "know, understand and think." They will talk to ask questions, to explain things and to imagine.
• 6 years old - At this age, most children begin to speak more like grownups, especially at school. They can be polite when talking and know when adults don't understand what they have said. Often times, children will be able to change what they originally said to be better understood. Children at this age should be able to use all of their speech sounds and begin reading.

You know your child better than anyone and of course there will be times when your child just won't pay attention or doesn't feel like reading. But these general guidelines should be taken into account as an overall view of your child's development. I hope this helps give a better understanding of what we observe as speech patholigsts at Cook Children's.

*The vocabulary ranges used in this blog are based on MacArthur-Bates CDI.

About the author

Carol Edley, M.S., CCC-SLP, is a speech/language pathologist at Cook Children's. Speech/language pathologists focus on oral motor, speech, language and communication skills to enhance development, restore function and to prevent disability from pediatric conditions, illness or injury.

That question makes me cringe. Not because of the question itself. I understand it. As parents, we all want what’s best for our children. I’m not afraid of the question or looking to evade it. It’s just who is making the choice on what’s “normal.” I use the opportunity to talk to parents. To reframe what may be thought of as normal, go over their concerns and provide perspective.

Here are some basic guidelines that I give to parents on how a child should be developmentally from 1 to 6 years old. Every child is different and this is only a starting point. If you have you concerns, please talk with your pediatrician  for a referral to a speech/language pathologist.

• 12 months old - Children usually can say 1-21 words on their own, actively listen, wave bye-bye, look around when asked, "Where is __?" and use real and toy objects to act out common actions, e.g., feeding, cleaning, etc.
• 24 months old - Speak 145-150 words, combine 2-3 words, produce plural - s and - ing words, enjoy nursery rhymes, finger play and songs and put 2-3 actions in symbolic play.
• 30 months old - Say 360-600 words, speak in simple sentences, have his or her speech understood by family members, listen to real stories and start role playing in life experiences, such as going to the doctor.
• 36 months old - Say so many words you can't count them, have his or her speech understood by more than half the people your child meets, use "I, me, my and you" correctly. Answer what, where, when and who questions and retell familiar stories. At this age, children should be asking questions, not learning to read yet, but enjoying books and making friends.
• 4 years old - Your child should start playing with words and making up stories. Most children at this age will be playing with friends and pretending to be a superhero, a cowboy, a parent or an animal. Children may begin using voices as characters and creating their own costumes and props.
• 5 years old - Most children at this age have started school. They can sit and listen for a whole story. They will start using words such as "know, understand and think." They will talk to ask questions, to explain things and to imagine.
• 6 years old - At this age, most children begin to speak more like grownups, especially at school. They can be polite when talking and know when adults don't understand what they have said. Often times, children will be able to change what they originally said to be better understood. Children at this age should be able to use all of their speech sounds and begin reading.

You know your child better than anyone and of course there will be times when your child just won't pay attention or doesn't feel like reading. But these general guidelines should be taken into account as an overall view of your child's development. I hope this helps give a better understanding of what we observe as speech patholigsts at Cook Children's.

*The vocabulary ranges used in this blog are based on MacArthur-Bates CDI.

About the author

Carol Edley, M.S., CCC-SLP, is a speech/language pathologist at Cook Children's. Speech/language pathologists focus on oral motor, speech, language and communication skills to enhance development, restore function and to prevent disability from pediatric conditions, illness or injury.