My 14-year-old daughter got her first cell phone back in the spring. It’s pretty locked down. She is able to call and text and has a few apps that are necessary for school. As an early 80s baby, my parents really didn’t have access to me until my senior year of high school when periodically the giant family Nokia cell phone would travel with me for an event. Otherwise, I really am unsure of how we communicated about changes in pick-up times or things I needed throughout the day. I guess it all worked out just fine!

I was beginning to enjoy being able to send a quick “don’t forget” text to my daughter and a “have a great day!” note of encouragement. She would put her phone away for class, but checked it at lunch or a break. She doesn’t have internet, so she didn’t spend a ton of time on it, but I was learning how to be a texting mom. Plot twist – Texas passed a law that says no cell phones can be out or visible during school hours. This means no cell phones at lunch or break. 

It's been interesting to have this change so quickly after my daughter got a phone. There has been nothing but very positive feedback from the educators over the last few weeks. Our school newsletter celebrated the fact that kids were looking each other in the eyes in the hallways and not constantly looking down. They said that kids are more focused during class and have face-to-face conversations during lunch. I believe that this law definitely has some positive implications. However, when I dropped my teen off on Monday morning, knowing I wouldn’t see her until Wednesday night due to my work schedule and her before and after school practices, I wondered how in the world I was going to connect with her in this season. I was sad that I would have to wait until 4 p.m. every day to check in, and even then, it would be short and quick. 

It’s already challenging to connect with our ever-changing kids. Let’s be honest, being able to text them and check in is an easy connection point. But this change offers us all an opportunity to re-engage with our kids and check ourselves. We have the opportunity to embrace this change and still be intentional about connecting with our kids.

1. Set aside a time to talk about life with them. When I picked my daughter up after not seeing her for three days, she told me in our short 15-minute car ride to the next drop-off that she had “SO MUCH” to catch me up on. She asked if I could just come into her room to talk when she finally got home. The reality was that I was very tired and so was she, but we both needed a minute to reconnect and talk about the last three days and organize the rest of the week. I honestly really wanted to watch a show and chill, but instead, I met her in her room and we took time for her to tell me all the things – good and bad. Even if you are able to set aside time before school, any time is great. My middle schooler doesn’t start school until 9 a.m., so we typically have a few minutes before school to catch up. If you work during the day, plan to set aside 10 minutes every other day to sit and talk with your kiddo about the last couple of days.  Maybe offer to go on a walk or go get a treat with them. Any time you set aside for your child is an investment that matters.
2. Get creative with ways to let them know that you see them. Let’s bring back notes! Truly, a lunch box note goes a long way. I used to be way more consistent with lunch notes, and my girls have noticed. This seems like a great time to bring back notebook paper folded notes with the “pull here” tabs. Our kids can all appreciate a good midday encouragement from someone who loves them. You could also surprise them with a treat at pick-up or have lunch with them. Any way that you can let your kids know that you see them and are thinking about them is a win. Our kids need to be seen and known.
3. Show up for their things. Just recently, my new-to-high school kid tried to tell me not to come to the first school pep rally. She wasn’t sure if it was for parents.  Well, I knew better and was there with all the school spirit I could muster up. Life is busy, and when your kids are doing art or playing in the band or playing a sport or part of a play, they want to look out and see you. I’m the first to tell you that the schedule is busy. I have three kids at three different schools this year, and the calendar looks overwhelming. Sometimes my husband and I or grandparents have to divide and conquer all the things, but it means the world to a child for you to be in the crowd cheering them on, or driving across town to see their science fair project, or even being the parent who provided the class snacks this week. When they see that you see them, they feel loved. You will never be able to be at everything, and it’s important to recognize that. So I’m not saying that you can’t miss something, but often kids get dropped off or picked up, and no one sees the middle. While you can’t be at everything, make an effort to show up for some of the things.

I have realized quickly that while I still have eight more years of kids in school, these years will fly. All the parents on the other side tell you that over and over. What if we lived like we actually believed them? This time looks like a lot of sacrifice and tired days, but I am so thankful for the opportunity to know my kids and be a part of what they love. Right now, they are discovering what they love about the world. We can connect with them by coming alongside them and cheering them on while they engage with this life. We can look up from our lives and phones while they look up from theirs. We can start to see them again and spend time watching them grow and change. We can learn to savor the moments we have. And we can all learn to write an old-school note again!

I am against giving phones as gifts because a gift signifies ownership. It has been made clear in our household that when he does receive a smartphone, it will be a privilege, not a gift, and the phone will belong to me and his mother, on our plan, paid for by family funds. Before we go further, please understand that my wife has a Juris Doctorate and was a practicing attorney prior to having children. So, my kids are well versed in making sound arguments.

With this in mind, he did come at us with a well thought out argument. He expressed his understanding of certain rules we have shared with him from previous queries, listing would-be imposed limits and other restrictions. He eloquently delivered his argument with style and grace – and then my wife and I used even more eloquence to deny his request with mutual style and grace. Although we have shared our age restriction with him in the past, I suppose he didn’t see any harm in trying. Our agreed upon age for his first phone is 12.

Giving him a bit of credit for his argument, I decided to do a little more research from angles outside of my expertise. I found several articles on the subject. A new report from Influence Central’s 2016 Digital Trends Study titled, “Kids & Tech: The Evolution of Today’s Digital Natives”  found the average now for getting a first phone is 10.3 years old.

With what I do for a living, and as a parent, I found information from the report interesting:

• Twenty-seven percent of parents now use online programs to control and filter sites or platforms, compared to 23 percent four years earlier. Parents, I highly recommend doing this. Click here and see the helpful links to learn more on my thoughts on this topic.
• Not enough parents are using smartphones’ GPS to track down their kids, but parents are catching on – the number increased to 15 percent in 2016, compared to only 7 in 2012.
• Fifty percent of kids have social media accounts by age 12 and 11 percent got a social media account when they were younger than 10. If I’m not ready to let my son have a smartphone at 10, I’m sure not ready for him to dive into social media.

I understand it’s beneficial for some parents to allow access to a mobile phone at a younger age than others – if the phone is limited. In our situation, we really don’t need our boys to have phones. My wife homeschools our kids, we live out in the country and use two-way radios on property. We don’t drop them off at places such as malls or theme parks on their own. Sure, those days will come, but not just yet. Families will differ greatly. Both parents may work, the kids may ride the bus home after school, etc.

Allowing a young child to have full use of a smartphone can lead to trouble. I am a little leery about 12 years old, so I would definitely not recommend it for a child under that age without heavy restrictions. Free apps that can be easily downloaded can allow the child to meet total strangers online. A child that young simply doesn’t have the maturity level to deal with the types of situations they are likely to encounter.

If you do find yourself in a situation where your younger child having a cell phone would bring peace of mind and make your life easier, go basic. Get the cheapest, most basic phone offered, do not allow data usage, and limit the phones ability to call other phone numbers. Once you have the phone, you can log onto your providers website (Sprint, AT&T, T-Mobile, etc.) and set restrictions on the phone. And, yes, you can limit the phone’s ability to only be able to call you and your spouse’s numbers, grandparents, neighbors, etc.

For my wife and I, we have the luxury of waiting until we are reasonably sure he is mature enough to handle the responsibility. But, if we did have a need for him to have a phone now, it would be very limited.

Rest assured, once that day comes, I will be monitoring his activity closely.

Related links

• To Spy Or Not To Spy?
• Want to protect your kids from online predators? Be a snoop.
• 7 dangerous Apps that parents need to know
• 7 things that make an App dangerous
• Uncovering the risks of cell phones

Here are five surprising insights about the germs that breed on your phones:

1. Cell phones reflect the personal microbial world of their owners. Scientists have found that cell phones represent our microbiome—the trillions of micro-organisms that live in and on our bodies. Cell phones are an integral part of our daily lives, so our own germs regularly spread from our mouths and skin onto our phones.

2. Have you ever heard of streptococcus, staphylococcus and diphtheroids? If not, these are colonies of bacteria that thrive on your phones. A little bit of bacteria is ok, but too much of it can cause a problem. Our phones are overwhelmingly covered in bacteria and we need to worry about other people’s germs. Think about the next time you set your phone down in a public area or share your phone with someone else. Your phone accumulates the other person’s germs as well as the bacteria they’ve picked up.

3. A cell phone has 18 times more harmful bacteria than a public restroom. This statistic is a little scary, but think about it--we use our cell phones after we eat, work out, use the restroom, etc. Several of us are guilty of using our phones with filthy hands. We don’t think about the germs that are transferred every time our hands touch our phones.

4. Cell phones are breeding grounds for bacteria because of their warmth. Warmth breeds bacteria and phones are always warm from the battery and body heat. We also put our phones in germ-infested places like our purses and pockets.

5. Cell phones can intensify face acne. Pressing your phone onto your face allows bacteria to get trapped into your pores causing unwanted blemishes.

Chris Curtis, clinical coordinator of Infectious Disease at Cook Children's, recommends good hand washing and hygiene to prevent unwanted germs on cell phones. “It is imperative for individuals to continually wash their hands after activities. I tell parents to have their child sing “happy birthday” or the “ABCs” while hand washing,” Curtis said.

Screen protectors for cell phones can guard against the little monsters as well. Reiterate to your child to not only wash his or her hands, but to also keep the phone shiny and clean. Diminishing germs on cell phones can prevent illness and lead to a healthier lifestyle.

- Article written by Amanda Burmeister