My 14-year-old daughter got her first cell phone back in the spring. It’s pretty locked down. She is able to call and text and has a few apps that are necessary for school. As an early 80s baby, my parents really didn’t have access to me until my senior year of high school when periodically the giant family Nokia cell phone would travel with me for an event. Otherwise, I really am unsure of how we communicated about changes in pick-up times or things I needed throughout the day. I guess it all worked out just fine!

I was beginning to enjoy being able to send a quick “don’t forget” text to my daughter and a “have a great day!” note of encouragement. She would put her phone away for class, but checked it at lunch or a break. She doesn’t have internet, so she didn’t spend a ton of time on it, but I was learning how to be a texting mom. Plot twist – Texas passed a law that says no cell phones can be out or visible during school hours. This means no cell phones at lunch or break. 

It's been interesting to have this change so quickly after my daughter got a phone. There has been nothing but very positive feedback from the educators over the last few weeks. Our school newsletter celebrated the fact that kids were looking each other in the eyes in the hallways and not constantly looking down. They said that kids are more focused during class and have face-to-face conversations during lunch. I believe that this law definitely has some positive implications. However, when I dropped my teen off on Monday morning, knowing I wouldn’t see her until Wednesday night due to my work schedule and her before and after school practices, I wondered how in the world I was going to connect with her in this season. I was sad that I would have to wait until 4 p.m. every day to check in, and even then, it would be short and quick. 

It’s already challenging to connect with our ever-changing kids. Let’s be honest, being able to text them and check in is an easy connection point. But this change offers us all an opportunity to re-engage with our kids and check ourselves. We have the opportunity to embrace this change and still be intentional about connecting with our kids.

1. Set aside a time to talk about life with them. When I picked my daughter up after not seeing her for three days, she told me in our short 15-minute car ride to the next drop-off that she had “SO MUCH” to catch me up on. She asked if I could just come into her room to talk when she finally got home. The reality was that I was very tired and so was she, but we both needed a minute to reconnect and talk about the last three days and organize the rest of the week. I honestly really wanted to watch a show and chill, but instead, I met her in her room and we took time for her to tell me all the things – good and bad. Even if you are able to set aside time before school, any time is great. My middle schooler doesn’t start school until 9 a.m., so we typically have a few minutes before school to catch up. If you work during the day, plan to set aside 10 minutes every other day to sit and talk with your kiddo about the last couple of days.  Maybe offer to go on a walk or go get a treat with them. Any time you set aside for your child is an investment that matters.
2. Get creative with ways to let them know that you see them. Let’s bring back notes! Truly, a lunch box note goes a long way. I used to be way more consistent with lunch notes, and my girls have noticed. This seems like a great time to bring back notebook paper folded notes with the “pull here” tabs. Our kids can all appreciate a good midday encouragement from someone who loves them. You could also surprise them with a treat at pick-up or have lunch with them. Any way that you can let your kids know that you see them and are thinking about them is a win. Our kids need to be seen and known.
3. Show up for their things. Just recently, my new-to-high school kid tried to tell me not to come to the first school pep rally. She wasn’t sure if it was for parents.  Well, I knew better and was there with all the school spirit I could muster up. Life is busy, and when your kids are doing art or playing in the band or playing a sport or part of a play, they want to look out and see you. I’m the first to tell you that the schedule is busy. I have three kids at three different schools this year, and the calendar looks overwhelming. Sometimes my husband and I or grandparents have to divide and conquer all the things, but it means the world to a child for you to be in the crowd cheering them on, or driving across town to see their science fair project, or even being the parent who provided the class snacks this week. When they see that you see them, they feel loved. You will never be able to be at everything, and it’s important to recognize that. So I’m not saying that you can’t miss something, but often kids get dropped off or picked up, and no one sees the middle. While you can’t be at everything, make an effort to show up for some of the things.

I have realized quickly that while I still have eight more years of kids in school, these years will fly. All the parents on the other side tell you that over and over. What if we lived like we actually believed them? This time looks like a lot of sacrifice and tired days, but I am so thankful for the opportunity to know my kids and be a part of what they love. Right now, they are discovering what they love about the world. We can connect with them by coming alongside them and cheering them on while they engage with this life. We can look up from our lives and phones while they look up from theirs. We can start to see them again and spend time watching them grow and change. We can learn to savor the moments we have. And we can all learn to write an old-school note again!

When we hear the word ‘addiction,’ we often think of drugs and alcohol, but in the 21^st century, addiction has taken on a new meaning. Lisa Elliott, Ph.D., psychologist and clinic manager of the Behavioral Health Clinic at Cook Children’s in Denton, says children are becoming addicted to their phones and gaming systems, driving parents to seek help through licensed therapists.

“We have the research that shows there is a chemical addiction as well as a behavioral addiction,” Dr. Elliott said.

“I think the thing that makes it even more dangerous for me is this is happening with young children, very young children, as much as it is with teens and young adults.”

In 2019, the World Health Organization (WHO), voted to include ‘gaming disorder’ as an official condition in the International Classification of Diseases, akin to anxiety, depression, etc. This paved the way for psychologists such as Dr. Elliott to bill insurance providers, making access to care more affordable for many families with health insurance. However, aside from video gaming, adolescents and teens are also glued to their electronic devices. She says remote learning due to the global pandemic has also played a major role in this addiction.

Cheryl, a North Texas mother, says her 12-year-old daughter is obsessed with YouTube. The family is now seeking guidance from a Cook Children’s family therapist.

Cheryl and her husband didn’t allow their daughter to have a cellphone until they believed she needed it for safety purposes. She wasn’t allowed to have any social media accounts, but her parents did allow her to watch TikTok videos.

“She has a cellphone and iPad, but we made sure everything had parental controls and restrictions,” Cheryl said.

When they later deleted the TikTok account out of concern for privacy issues, they allowed her to watch YouTube videos.

“She watches kids playing innocent pranks on each other, and she gets invested in that. She consistently talks about who is dating who and is always looking forward to the next update like she knows the people in the videos,” Cheryl explained.

Cheryl added that her daughter knew exactly when the episodes were coming out and had a fear of missing out on what was next in the lives of her favorite YouTubers.

When the Cheryl and her husband realized their daughter was going behind their back to find ways to watch YouTube, after she’d been instructed otherwise, they decided to reach out for help.

“For me, it was really about correcting that behavior because right now she has this temptation in front of her and she's making bad choices,” Cheryl explained.

Why are young people becoming obsessed with a reality outside of their own? Dr. Elliott believes the global pandemic has a lot to do with this rising trend.

“I think it's pervasive, so it's not just from an academic setting, but it's also how kids are filling their downtime. It's how they're maintaining social relationships, whether they're healthy or not,” Dr. Elliott said.

Cheryl and her husband couldn’t agree more. They don’t have any issues with their daughter’s choice of content. The issue is her actions and what these minor actions could lead to in the future when bigger temptation is put in front of her.

Cheryl’s daughter sees Stephanie Golden, LPC, a therapist at Cook Children’s Alliance. Golden has been working as a mental health professional for 20+ years but says phone and social media addiction is something she has seen more in the last three to four years in her practice. While phone addiction isn’t healthy, Golden believes it is treatable.

“It’s certainly a widespread problem, but I believe one that can be improved upon with boundaries,” Golden said.

Boundaries are exactly what Cheryl believes would be beneficial for her daughter when it comes to her desire to watch YouTube videos.

In a 2019 study released by the Child Mind Institute, 1% to 10% of children and adolescents have excessive and impairing online behavior. This behavior impacts a child’s ability to focus, the hours of sleep they get at night, and their social behavior with others when they aren’t behind a screen.

Cheryl says having a daughter that’s addicted to YouTube and going behind her parent’s back to find ways to watch it is hard because there aren’t resources for this problem specifically.

“It was really hard to figure out what to do and how to handle this,” Cheryl said. “We tried every single thing we could, from taking away her devices and even sitting down with her and asking her what she needed and how we could help.”

Cheryl and her husband struggled even more because they felt their daughter’s actions were ‘minor’ and ‘innocent’ because she wasn’t struggling with substance addiction. However, Dr. Elliot says addiction is handled the same whether it’s social media or something severe like drug use and gambling. She also notes until more research is done, therapists have to continue to rely on coping mechanisms and techniques they’ve used for adults who’ve struggled with addiction for many years. However, she says that it is scary because she doesn’t want to see adolescents fall into deeper temptation in the future.

“My concern is, if children are creating this addictive response, which we know happens, what kind of addictions does this lead into later?” Dr. Elliott asked. “So I'm concerned about the potential risk they might have for other addictions down the road.”

Cheryl and her husband also struggled with the guilt of putting their daughter in therapy because they didn’t want to take a seat of a child who might’ve needed the resources more.

“She isn’t suicidal and she isn’t depressed,” Cheryl said. “But I had to remind myself that we are putting her into counseling so she can learn skills and those skills can be applied to other areas of her life as well.”

Golden agrees with that sentiment and says in situations like this, she also gives guidance to families/parents.

“Set boundaries around cell phone usage and be consistent with the rules,” Golden said. “Following suggestions from experts can help protect a child’s mental health.”

Dr. Elliott adds another reason boundaries are important is that peer pressure and the need to fit in as at an all-time high. The Child Mind Institute reports 81% of teens say social media makes them feel more connected to their friends.

Cheryl agrees her daughter fits into that category.

“When we ask her why she wants it so bad or feels the need to sneak around to get what she wants, she tells us all of her friends in class are on YouTube all the time on their devices,” she said.

Dr. Elliott urges all parents to keep a very close eye on children’s social media and device use. She says not only can addiction to devices impact schoolwork, it can affect social relationships with others. When a child’s brain is still developing, she says children need healthy and appropriate social interactions to learn empathy, how to relate and communicate, as opposed to learning unhealthy social skills through a device/gaming system.

Cheryl understands the importance of limited screen time and says adolescents don’t fully understand phone etiquette, and how to properly interact with their peers and it is important to set an example and put boundaries into place at an early age.

As Chery’s daughter continues to see Golden, and the family works through this issue, Golden says it’s important to “face the issue with compassion, understanding and firm kindness.” She goes on to add “We don’t always like to have rules, but it’s often healthy and good for us when we follow them.”

Find more technology guidelines from Dr. Elliott shares with her patients from the American Association of Pediatrics below.

• Birth to Pre-School Years
  • There should be no technology from birth to 3 years.
  • Any screen time at this age impairs social communication, development, and attachment to family members.
  • This age should be devoted to social development, sensory-motor skills, and reading skills.
  • Limited exposure may be introduced at 4 years with only high-quality programming.
  • American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) cautions that all technology programs should be watched with their children.
  • Parents have to lead by example: Do not check messages at the dinner table, do not become absorbed by devices, look at people when they are talking – children notice and mimic everything!
  • Never undervalue unstructured “free play.”
  • Parents should not give their children a tech device as a reward for good behavior. Children must learn to self-soothe.
  • Appropriate activities for 4 year olds
    • Periodically use eReader for storytime.
    • Allow limited access to electronic toys that educate and teach numbers, letters, and vowel sounds.
    • Utilize mobile apps/tech devices for sorting shapes and finding objects.
  • It is critical children engage in physical play, have social engagements and read books!

• Grade School Age Years
  • Create a balance between technology, along with social and physical play.
  • AAP recommends no more than two hours of screen time per day with close parental supervision! And that should be less during the younger grade school ages.
  • It is critical to watch alongside your kids to point out messages that are not congruent to your values.
  • Parents need to designate media-free spaces, including bedrooms, meal times, and playtimes.
  • Screen time should be quality; age-appropriate, share your values, and engage your child’s imagination.
  • Never make screens a reward or consequence.
  • Encourage other activities such as free play outside, playing sports, creating hobbies, arts and crafts, and social activities.
  • Appropriate activities for grade school
    • The goal is to teach responsible use.
    • Use internet under supervision only.
    • Create tech-free talk each day.
    • Institute strict time limit restrictions and rules for use.
    • Monitor computer homework; eliminate all technology when screen time rules are broken.
    • Children need to stay involved with school activities and friends.
    • Model appropriate technology behavior

• Preteen and Teen Years
  • It is critical parents model appropriate technology behavior – they have to practice what they preach.
  • Parents need to establish the rule that their children will agree to “friending” them on social media platforms.
  • Parents should have access to passwords.
  • Maintain open dialogue about what is and is not appropriate sharing on social media platforms.
  • Parents and their tween/teens should develop a social media contract that includes expectations, violations as well as discipline for violations. Try out this great free tool from @AmerAcadPeds: http://www.healthychildren.org/MediaUsePlan
  • Bedrooms should be tech-free, all devices should be removed from bedrooms at night.
  • Snapchat is the most difficult platform to monitor – may be wise not to allow this platform.
  • It is imperative to teach your children about the potential consequences of their postings on social media platforms.

The safety experts at Cook Children’s say kids can’t afford anything less than 100 percent adult supervision at the pool at all times. That means not taking your eyes off of a child while he or she is in the water.

Forgive the safety experts at Cook Children’s if they are coming across as bossy or even condemning, but they are at their wits’ end trying to find a message that will stop the tragic amounts of drownings over the past few summers. 

But they have come with a response: Lifeguard Your Child. And that starts with putting away perhaps the greatest competion for a grownup's attention - their smartphone.

“We understand the need for a phone at the pool, in case of emergencies, but those phones need to be put away until you leave the swimming area,” said Dana Walraven, Community Health Outreach manager at Cook Children’s and Safe Kids Tarrant County Coordinator. “Parents should only be spending time watching their kids and not on the phone.”

Smartphones have changed the way we look at the world, but it’s also made it much easier to be distracted and not pay attention to what is happening right in front of us.

Nonfatal injuries to children under age 5 rose 12 percent between 2007 and 2010, after injury rates were steadily falling the previous decade. During that same time period, smartphone users increased from 9 million in mid-2007 to 63 million at the end of 2010.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimates more than 1,100 people a day are injured in car crashes that involved a distracted driver.

Sharon Evans, Trauma Injury Prevention/Outreach coordinator for Cook Children’s Medical Center says she would like to see similar research into distracted adults and drownings.

But she doesn’t need stats to know that it’s the adult’s responsibility to stay focused on the children, and nothing else, while they are swimming.

“Parents are distracted enough with people around them talking, eating and everything going on in their lives. After a hard day they may even zone out for a little while. But parents can’t afford to be distracted and that includes using their smart phones while their child is in the water,” Evans said. “I don’t think parents understand how quickly and quietly drowning occurs. There is no thrashing, no yelling for help. The drowning child is just trying to push down on the water to get their head above the surface to gasp a breath of air.”

Walraven reminds parents it takes only two seconds for a drowning to occur.

She encourages any adult watching children at the pool, including parents grandparents, family friends or babysitters, to use Water Watcher system if possible where the grownups at the pool take shifts with the sole responsibility of keeping an eye on the children swimming at all times.

They are expected to stay sober and focused during their 15 minute shift or if they are the only one out there, to stay alert the whole time. This isn't a job for kids, even older children. Walraven said this is a job solely for the adults. It shouldn’t be the responsibility of a teen. The younger person may be easily distracted, have trouble pulling the child out of the water and in case of a fatal drowning, the child could be scarred for life.

“This is definitely a job for a grownup, but that means acting like an adult,” Walraven said. “Many drownings occur when a caregiver is present. But being ‘present’ or being ‘there’ is not enough, you have to watch and be involved. Drowning is silent so keep your eyes on the water, not the phone. A text is not worth the risk and it’s certainly not worth your child losing his or her life.”

Other resources:

• Drowning prevention page at Cook Children's
• 9 ways to protect your child from drowning
• Is your baby ready for swim lessons?
• This life-saving tip could prevent your child from drowning
• Life after drowning
• Be a water watcher. Adult supervisions saves lives.
• Drowning tragedy - 'I can't believe this happened to me.'
• The life-saving reason for Water Watchers

We attempted to go media free and wouldn’t you know? Nailed it!!!

Just kidding. We far from nailed it.

Ok guys, this is HARD.

The Conklins are not taking to going screen free likes ducks to water. Like. At. All.

You know the ancient proverb "fall down seven times, stand up eight?" One of my favs.

Well we have fallen down 7,000 times with this project, but we keep trying to getting up. We are at 7,001 at the moment.

The exciting news is that we have learned a healthy balance exists. We have learned that we do great without it. When we are unplugged, we are awesome! Unfortunately, it's just a bugger of a habit that is soooo easy to slip back into. This has been a frustrating experiment, but that fact that we struggle means we need to be doing this.

Going media free really is just as simple as removing the screens from the family. After simply telling the kids, “no,” you have to listen to them belly ache for a short time before they go off and find something to do.

I am going to be honest, I enjoy my screen time just as much (if not more) than the kids! I like texting people, playing Words with Friends and reading news articles online. I even do a bible study with a cool app on my phone!

Almost everything I do can be done on my phone! So when I want to get on my phone or watch a TV show, I then let the kids jump on their devices. I think my own personal enjoyment of screen time may be what is keeping us from being truly successful at this (oh my gosh, did I just admit that?)

We have worked hard to make sure the family is “off” the screen more than “on” during the day and that seems pretty manageable. The kids are getting it! They know our goal is to spend more time doing other things besides being on the screen. They don’t argue as much when I declare, “We are screen free until X, Y and Z are complete.” We are doing pretty well decreasing our screen time. Having said that, I would really like to fulfill my pledge to this blog and get to a point where we are just “off” all the time. We are working on it.

I am excited because we are going to Michigan this summer. For part of the trip we will be “Up North” where it is pretty hard to get cell phone service and I plan to ditch the hand- held games before we go.

The Conklins will be screen free before the summer is over, even if it means we have to hang out in the woods for a few days to do it.

Previous media free stories:

• 'TV head' - Could you unplug?
• Going media free - part 1
• Breaking it to the crew - part 2
• 'Operation Unplug' - part 3

Maybe, that’s the case, but how do you keep your child safe? Before you purchase a phone for your child, we asked Jody Hawkins, Information Systems Security Officer for Cook Children’s Health Care System in Fort Worth, Texas, for a few tips on children owning (or not) a cell phone.

Q: Should I give a cell phone to my child as a gift?

A: Jody advises against cell phones as gifts. He believes parents can establish better boundaries if the phone is presented to the child as belonging to the parent. The parent sets the rules, monitors and guides the child on how to safely use it. A good way of monitoring what apps are installed is to not allow the child to have the password. If the child wants a new app, the parent must enter the password.

Q: Is everything my child posts on the Internet permanent?

A: Yes, for the most part. Some apps and sites have security settings that can be set to “private;” however, these take constant monitoring. Regardless of the site or the settings, if someone can share the post, it becomes very permanent. Once a post is shared, you lose control over the content. Potentially everything your child posts online can be seen now and years to come by people like college recruiters and potential employers.

Q: How can I limit who my child texts?

A: Most of the larger carriers allow you to limit data, text, and calling per individual phone on the account. Parents can contact their cell phone service provider or go to their online account to see what controls are offered.

If you have more questions about cell phones and keeping kids safe, please let us know.