After all, this is a modern classic. So much so that October 3 has become #MeanGirlsDay.

From Heathers to Mean Girls, these ‘rites of passage’ movies have given us insight into the lives of teenage girls. While they may be full of snobs, cliques and at times, cruel behavior, they can’t fully prepare any girl for the reality of social bullying.

Parents, you may know social bullying all too well and not even realize it. This occurs when a group decides to leave someone out on purpose or tells other kids not be friends with a certain child or teen.

But unlike your favorite teen movie, there's not always a happy ending for the kids being bullied.

Social bullying, along with verbal bullying, is often referred to as “mean girl” behavior, said Lisa Elliott, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and clinic manager of Cook Children’s Behavioral Health Clinic in Denton.

She says this form of bullying also includes name-calling, backstabbing, gossiping and spreading rumors.

“When ‘mean girls’ take this negative and aggressive behavior into the world of social media, it now includes cyberbullying, making it even more hurtful and instilling feelings of powerlessness,” Elliott said. “This can be quite painful and has the potential to be psychologically harmful.”

Girls may engage in this type of behavior for several reasons, including:

• Peer pressure.
• Trying to improve their status on the social ladder.
• Excluding those who may be perceived as a threat to their social status.

Regardless of the type of bullying, three elements are generally present:

1. An imbalance of power.
2. Aggressive behavior intended to hurt someone emotionally and/or physically.
3. Pleasure in observing the pain (or assuming there is pain) caused to the person being bullied.

Elliott says your daughter’s response to the mean girl is key.

“All bully behavior is intended to empower the bully, so your daughter’s response is critical – she must be able to acknowledge what the “mean girl(s)” are doing, but also communicate that they don’t have emotional power over her,” Elliott said.

She says if the victim communicates any type of negative emotion (verbally and/or nonverbally) – whether that be pain, hurt, rejection, fear, anger, frustration etc. then she has validated the bully. The bully will only be encouraged to continue the “mean girl” behavior, simply because it empowers them.

Instead, girls should try to respond to the bullies by using select words such as ‘so,’ ‘OK,’ ‘who cares,’ ‘whatever’ and ‘big deal.’

“These words communicate ‘I hear you, but you have no impact on me,’” Elliott said. “However, equally important is the tone in which these words are communicated. It is critical these words are conveyed with NO emotion! If ‘mean girls’ pick up on any emotional weakness, they will continue the negative behavior.”

Another strategy to apply is humor, where you laugh at yourself thus deflecting any hurtfulness.

“It’s important your daughter displays confidence and can defend herself in an assertive manner that is respectful, does not lower her to their level and does not encourage them,” Elliott said.

In addition to having a prepared response, Elliott encourages girls to stay strong, appear confident and smile, primarily because “mean girls” are quite adept at discerning which girls they can manipulate and control. The more confident your daughter portrays herself (not appearing dejected, insecure, hurt, nervous, left-out), the less likely the “mean girls” will repeat their aggressive behavior to her.

Equally important is being a positive bystander. If your daughter sees “mean girl” behavior happening to others, ask her not to stand by and watch. When “mean girls” do not have an audience, they lose power.

To foster your daughter’s self-confidence, help her find areas she can feel success in, such as school, sports, church, community service clubs, or talents like singing or playing an instrument.

You should also monitor her computer and cell phone, and encourage her to spend less time on social media. If bullying expands onto social media, then you need to talk to her teacher, coach or another school official.

While we’ve addressed “mean girls” in this article, no child is bully-proof.

Elliott points to the death of David Molak, a 16-year old San Antonio boy, as an example of the harm that comes from the constant harassment a child receives in the world of cyber bullying. She offers parents the following talking points when speaking to their child about bullying:

• Even people who say they're your friends can bully you.
• You should confront your friends when they're being hurtful to you or others.
• Retaliating may feel good temporarily, but refusing to stoop to the bully's level will win you more popularity in the long run.
• When you hear a false rumor, just ignore it and be yourself.
• You're most likeable when you respect yourself and others.
• Bullies usually have their own insecurities. Returning meanness with kindness is the best way to break down their defense.

In the end, kids should know they may be the best resources to end bullying where they live.

Stories related to this topic:

• Bullying is a ‘serious public health problem’
• Are popular kids bullied?
• Is your teen's smart phone making them depressed?
• The warning signs of teen suicide
• Cutting: Why kids do it

If not, take a moment to introduce them to the Florida State receiver so they can learn from his wonderful example.

Rudolph was visiting students at Montford Middle School in Tallahassee with other Florida State football players. He saw a boy sitting by himself at the lunch room table and decided to join him for pizza. The boy was named Bo Paske and he has autism.

“I'm not sure what exactly made this incredibly kind man share a lunch table with my son, but I'm happy to say that it will not soon be forgotten,” Leah Paske, Bo’s mom, wrote on her Facebook page. “This is one day I didn't have to worry if my sweet boy ate lunch alone, because he sat across from someone who is a hero in many eyes.”

All it took was a moment of acceptance and kindness to change the day of one child’s life and bring tears of joy to a mom.

And that’s why all of our kids need to know about Travis Rudolph.

Too many times kids who are thought of as different are shunned, picked on or bullied at school.

Many times when we think of bullying, it’s the big kid pushing the little kids around on the playground. In the movies, we love to see the bullied kid “fight back,” but in reality, this is not the best way to take care of bullying.

As a parent, you may be at a loss when your kids come home crying after they had to sit alone at a lunch table, or if we hear that our child was the one making fun of another child with their friends. The best way to help our kids, who may be bullied, the bully or a bystander, is to know the signs of bullying and address them immediately.

Bullying comes in many forms. It can be physical, verbal or relational, and can occur at school, in the community or on electronic technology. The actual definition of bullying is any unwanted, aggressive behavior, involving a real or perceived power imbalance, which is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time.

This can be excluding someone from a group on purpose, making fun of their appearance or pushing them in the hallway after lunch every day. These things can occur in person, on social media sites or via text messages. Cyberbullying is rapidly growing, in part because the bullies don’t have to actually face the person they are bullying to see the reaction it causes. This form of communication also allows rumors to spread very rapidly to many more people than would otherwise be involved.

How do you pick up on bullying?

• Have family conversations about school, friends and activities.
• If your kids have social media, monitor it and have talks about what is posted every week. Most victims of cyberbullying don’t think to tell an adult. They suffer in silence.
• If your child starts to dislike school, riding the bus or an activity they have normally enjoyed in the past, investigate the reasons. These could be signs of bullying, among other things.

So, as a parent, what are the right things to do if you find out your child was somehow involved in bullying?

• Address the behavior immediately. If you learn that your child has been bullied, make sure you let them know it was not their fault, and it is not OK for others to treat them that way. If they were aggressive with another kid, make sure they know this is not appropriate behavior.
• Make sure teachers or group leaders are aware. Most of the time bullying is not happening when you are present, so other adults need to be involved to stop the behaviors while they are occurring or right after. They also can mediate between the groups of kids and their parents.
• Step in and speak up. If you see bullying in action, separate the kids and let everyone involved (including witnesses) know this behavior is wrong. Make sure everyone is safe. Question each child separately, in private.
• Talk to your kids. Involve them in coming up with a plan that will make them feel safe. Also, try to keep their normal routine in place, if possible.

It is also important to not only address bullying from the side of the victimized child, but also from the side of the bully. When you are talking to your kids, make sure they are not feeling bullied, but also make sure they are not intentionally or unintentionally bullying others. It’s easier said than done. But talk to them about the example of the Florida State receiver and ask if they would have done the same thing. It might be a great way to have a conversation about this subject.

Sometimes kids bully to “fit in” or because they are dealing with some other major stress in their life. Try to find out the reasons behind the behavior while making sure they know bullying will not be tolerated. Come up with consequences that will encourage them to instead learn to be a good friend and treat other people with respect. You can also find them an appropriate outlet for “fitting in,” such as a joining a sports team, club, etc.

If it seems like your child is deeply impacted by bullying or other traumatic events, then don’t be afraid to involve the school counselor, their pediatrician or other mental health professional to find other ways for your child to cope with any emotional consequences of bullying.

Let’s all work together to help our kids feel safe, and learn to be respectful to one another! If we all took time to find a Bo Paske today, we could make a difference in someone’s life.

Eriel Hayes, M.D.

Photo Credit: Leah Paske

Related Topics:

• Teaching your daughter to stand up to ‘Mean Girls’
• Bullying is a ‘serious public health problem’
• Is your teen's smart phone making them depressed?
• Sibling bullying
• Are popular kids bullied?

Meet Dr. Hayes:

The documentary describes how Laettner bullied not only the opposition, but his own teammates. And where does the documentary say he learned such behavior? His older brother.

A University of Nebraska-Lincoln study gives a detailed look at bullying from siblings the Journal of Family Violence. The researchers talked to 400 undergraduates and found that students said they were bullied more by their siblings than by other children.

Last year, another study conducted by the University of New Hampshire discovered that 32 percent of children who said they were victimized by a brother or sister reported higher rates of mental-health issues.

Lisa Elliott, Ph.D., clinic manager of Cook Children's Behavioral Health in Denton, Texas, said she has seen several kids lately in her office dealing with problems related to siblings. Elliott, a licensed psychologist, said this goes beyond sibling rivalry or teasing. She is seeing abuse and parents need to be aware of the role they play in this issue. Especially if they are favoring one child over the other. Often times that "favored" child becomes the bully.

“Parents have to be careful that they don’t show favoritism, either directly or indirectly, intentionally or unintentionally,” Elliott said. “The perception of favoritism among siblings is one of the most harmful things parents can do to their children. It’s harmful to the child’s self-esteem, it increases bullying amongst siblings and it often creates very entitled children in the one who is favored.”

A study published in the journal, Pediatrics, showed that kids who had been bullied by their brothers or sisters for a prolonged period of time were twice as likely to report being clinically depressed when they grew up.

"I certainly think in most families there is likely to be some level of conflict or disagreements among siblings at different times," said Joy Crabtree, a licensed psychologist at Cook Children's Southlake Urgent Care and Pediatric Specialties.  "However, I think parents need to be aware of when it may be crossing a line, such as physical altercations, repeated name calling or degrading of a sibling etc. Sometimes it can happen out of ear shot of the parents so it’s important to talk about everyone maintaining respectful communication in the family. If a child feels uncomfortable or targeted, he or she needs to let mom or dad know because it may not be happening in front of the parent. If targeting is occurring, limits and boundaries need to be set so a negative pattern does not continue."

Research conducted by the Universities of Oxford, Warwick, Bristol and University of College London said that bullying among siblings is particularly upsetting because these children have no way out. Bullying includes persistent verbal or physical abuses, as well as just ignoring the other siblings for long periods of time.

“I see children in clinic who are upset about favoritism or jealous of a child or he or she feels an older sibling is being parental or bossy. Sometimes I see feelings of inferiority. But what I hear when it comes to bullying is something very different,” Elliott said. “This is abuse, either physically or verbal. These are siblings and they know each other better than anyone else. That familiarity allows them to say very hurtful comments that the sibling knows is a sensitive or private matter. Sometimes, I see ganging up on a sibling, where multiple brothers or sisters gang up on a child. In those cases, you see extreme physical aggression between siblings that can be every day and makes life miserable for a child.”

Elliott gives the following tips for parents to watch out for sibling bullying:

• All physical bullying needs to be addressed immediately and not tolerated.
• It is critical to understand the causes for the bullying to address whatever those reasons are –

1. If a child is feeling inferior help, build that child’s self-esteem.
2. If you are inadvertently showing what is perceived to be favoritism by one child, modify your behavior and be sure to praise each child equally with positive behavioral anchors.

• Don’t label your children as the “bright one”, the “musical one” etc.
• Finally, it is critical to teach your children how to problem-solve conflict effectively and how to have empathy for others.

Surprised? Lisa Elliott, Ph.D., clinic manager of Cook Children's Behavioral Health in Denton, Texas, isn't. Elliott, a licensed psychologist, says parents and teachers often have an outdated view of what a victim looks like.

"The general public has always perceived that children who are vulnerable to bullying have some sort of social deficit, physical handicap or learning disability," Elliott said. "While this is true, socially adept kids are equally vulnerable to bullying, especially when they attempt to climb the social ladder."

Last year, the American Sociological Review published the "Casualties of Social Combat" study, which examined more than 4,200 middle- and high-school students and found that the more popular students became, the more vulnerable they were to bullying.

Snakes and (Social) Ladders

For several years, Elliott has given presentations on bullying to the local community. She says parents are surprised when they hear a popular student can be both a bully and a victim at the same time. According to Elliott, the danger comes when a child tries to gain more status in a social clique that is emotionally aggressive or manipulative. Signs of this nonphysical bullying can be subtle and easily mislabeled as "drama."

Jockeying for position

According to the study, bullying is more likely to occur within a social group, between two "friends" who are on the same level in social heirarchy. On the outside, this may simply look like typical relationship drama. What's actually happening may be subtle but serious bullying.

How to Stop the Cycle 

No child is bully-proof. According to Elliott, the key is to to make sure your child can spot an unhealthy friendship before it goes too far.

"We should communicate to our children what true friendship is, and what it isn't," Elliott said. "This will help them discern which peers they can trust and which ones are trying to manipulate them."

Elliott offers parents the following talking points when speaking to their child about bullying:

• Even people who say they're your friends, can bully you.
• You should confront your friends when they're being hurtful to you or others.
• Retaliating may feel good temporarily, but refusing to stoop to the bully's level will win you more popularity in the long run.
• When you hear a false rumor, just ignore it and be yourself.
• You're most likeable when you respect yourself and others.
• Bullies usually have their own insecurities. Returning meanness with kindess is the best way to break down their defense.

Warning signs

If you worry your child is being bullied, look for the following signs:

• Sudden change in friendships.
• Unexpected drop in grades.
• Irritability or moodiness.
• Reluctance to go to school.
• Avoidance of social situations.
• Faked illnesses or complaints of feeling sick.