For Lisa Elliott, Ph.D., back to school means a full schedule of therapy sessions that all have a common topic – bullying. Dr. Elliott has been a psychologist at Cook Children’s for 28 years and says bullying now starts as early as Kindergarten.

“We see it moving down in years considerably,” Dr. Elliott said. “Parents need to understand, given our culture, that most children will engage in bully behavior because it is being modeled for them through programs on TV, news media and reports, online exposure and adult actors, sports figures and political figures.”

The pandemic has only made the bullying issue even worse.

“COVID, isolation and increased use of social media have definitely impacted bullying – the number of bully incidents have significantly increased, and the severity has also,” Dr. Elliott said.

Since children spend a large amount of their time at school, teachers have the opportunity to demonstrate inclusion and empathy toward others.

“The reality is that teachers are critical role players, and their kindness matters,” Dr. Elliott said.

Types of Bullying

Four types of bullying exist – physical, verbal, social and cyberbullying.

Physical bullying accounts for less than 1/3 of bullying incidents and more boys engage in this type. 

Verbal bullying is the most common form affecting an individual’s self-esteem and feelings for years, leaving scars that last a lifetime. This includes spreading mean rumors, making accusations that are not true, gossip, lies, spreading embarrassing private truths, name-calling, taunting, belittling and cruel criticism.

Girls have the highest engagement in social bullying – a difficult-to-detect form of bullying including ignoring, isolating, excluding or shunning. It is the most potent kind, especially in the middle school and high school years.

As soon as children have cell phones, cyberbullying comes into play.

“Cyberbullying is 24/7 and has a rapid transmission. It reaches the world in an instant,” Dr. Elliott said.

Five years ago, cyberbullying in schools was addressed with the enforcement of David’s Law in Texas which requires schools to notify the parent of an alleged victim of bullying within three business days of a report, rather than waiting for the findings of an investigation. The school also must adopt policies allowing students to anonymously report incidents of bullying and may expel or place a student in a disciplinary alternative education program.

Signs and Symptoms of Being Bullied:

• Does not want to go to school/skips school/gets into trouble at school
• Grades suffer
• Stops talking about peers and school activities
• Loses interest in activities
• Physical manifestations (sleep disturbances, withdrawal and wanting to be alone, complaints of pain or illnesses, appears tearful, displays victim body language such as keeping head down, hunching shoulders and avoiding eye contact)
• Emotional manifestations (appears sad, angry or irritable, withdraws and acts timid, becomes overly moody or anxious, exhibits aggressive behavior)
•  Social/behavioral manifestations (withdraws socially, changes friends, engages in self-mutilation, threatens violence to self and others, talks of running away or suicide, suddenly stops using the computer or other mobile devices)

Signs and Symptoms of Being the Bully:

• Suddenly stops using the computer/device or turns off the screen when someone comes near
• Appears secretive about what they are doing on the computer/device
• Appears nervous when using a computer/device
• Spends an excessive amount of time on the computer/device

“If your child is bullying others, react calmly and don’t blame yourself because there are so many influences in a child’s life. I commend parents who recognize their child could be a bully,” Dr. Elliott said.

Equip Your Child with a Foolproof Tool

When talking to children about peers, the growth mindset of appreciating and valuing differences of opinion should be addressed. Tell your child how to help a classmate who is being bullied such as spending time with them and encouraging them at school and outside of school, helping them get away from the negative situation and telling an adult. 

After researching various strategies to deal with bullies, Dr. Elliott created a response tool that has proven to stop the bully from coming back for more harassment.

“If you show pain, hurt, fear or anger it feeds the bully,” Dr. Elliott said. "Ignoring the bully still gives them the idea they are successful in hurting the victim which fuels the fire and motivates them to keep bullying. The fewer words you say, the better – use words such as ‘OK’ and ‘whatever’ before walking away.”

This strategy acknowledges the bully while at the same time showing him that the tactics are not effective.

“I’ve never had a child or teenager tell me that it doesn’t work,” Dr. Elliott said.

Proactive Tips for Every Parent

Modeling empathy needs to be at the forefront when raising children. Focusing on others’ needs and feelings will contribute to a child’s overall happiness.

• Openly talk about bullying all the time
• Ask questions like “Has bullying ever happened to you? How did it make you feel?”
• Role play and ask “How do you think this would make you feel?”
• Teach empathy and kindness – have child open doors for people, get involved in a service project

“Kids are naturally born with kindness and empathy,” Dr. Elliott said. "What changes over time is what gets modeled for them and what they see.”

The documentary describes how Laettner bullied not only the opposition, but his own teammates. And where does the documentary say he learned such behavior? His older brother.

A University of Nebraska-Lincoln study gives a detailed look at bullying from siblings the Journal of Family Violence. The researchers talked to 400 undergraduates and found that students said they were bullied more by their siblings than by other children.

Last year, another study conducted by the University of New Hampshire discovered that 32 percent of children who said they were victimized by a brother or sister reported higher rates of mental-health issues.

Lisa Elliott, Ph.D., clinic manager of Cook Children's Behavioral Health in Denton, Texas, said she has seen several kids lately in her office dealing with problems related to siblings. Elliott, a licensed psychologist, said this goes beyond sibling rivalry or teasing. She is seeing abuse and parents need to be aware of the role they play in this issue. Especially if they are favoring one child over the other. Often times that "favored" child becomes the bully.

“Parents have to be careful that they don’t show favoritism, either directly or indirectly, intentionally or unintentionally,” Elliott said. “The perception of favoritism among siblings is one of the most harmful things parents can do to their children. It’s harmful to the child’s self-esteem, it increases bullying amongst siblings and it often creates very entitled children in the one who is favored.”

A study published in the journal, Pediatrics, showed that kids who had been bullied by their brothers or sisters for a prolonged period of time were twice as likely to report being clinically depressed when they grew up.

"I certainly think in most families there is likely to be some level of conflict or disagreements among siblings at different times," said Joy Crabtree, a licensed psychologist at Cook Children's Southlake Urgent Care and Pediatric Specialties.  "However, I think parents need to be aware of when it may be crossing a line, such as physical altercations, repeated name calling or degrading of a sibling etc. Sometimes it can happen out of ear shot of the parents so it’s important to talk about everyone maintaining respectful communication in the family. If a child feels uncomfortable or targeted, he or she needs to let mom or dad know because it may not be happening in front of the parent. If targeting is occurring, limits and boundaries need to be set so a negative pattern does not continue."

Research conducted by the Universities of Oxford, Warwick, Bristol and University of College London said that bullying among siblings is particularly upsetting because these children have no way out. Bullying includes persistent verbal or physical abuses, as well as just ignoring the other siblings for long periods of time.

“I see children in clinic who are upset about favoritism or jealous of a child or he or she feels an older sibling is being parental or bossy. Sometimes I see feelings of inferiority. But what I hear when it comes to bullying is something very different,” Elliott said. “This is abuse, either physically or verbal. These are siblings and they know each other better than anyone else. That familiarity allows them to say very hurtful comments that the sibling knows is a sensitive or private matter. Sometimes, I see ganging up on a sibling, where multiple brothers or sisters gang up on a child. In those cases, you see extreme physical aggression between siblings that can be every day and makes life miserable for a child.”

Elliott gives the following tips for parents to watch out for sibling bullying:

• All physical bullying needs to be addressed immediately and not tolerated.
• It is critical to understand the causes for the bullying to address whatever those reasons are –

1. If a child is feeling inferior help, build that child’s self-esteem.
2. If you are inadvertently showing what is perceived to be favoritism by one child, modify your behavior and be sure to praise each child equally with positive behavioral anchors.

• Don’t label your children as the “bright one”, the “musical one” etc.
• Finally, it is critical to teach your children how to problem-solve conflict effectively and how to have empathy for others.

Surprised? Lisa Elliott, Ph.D., clinic manager of Cook Children's Behavioral Health in Denton, Texas, isn't. Elliott, a licensed psychologist, says parents and teachers often have an outdated view of what a victim looks like.

"The general public has always perceived that children who are vulnerable to bullying have some sort of social deficit, physical handicap or learning disability," Elliott said. "While this is true, socially adept kids are equally vulnerable to bullying, especially when they attempt to climb the social ladder."

Last year, the American Sociological Review published the "Casualties of Social Combat" study, which examined more than 4,200 middle- and high-school students and found that the more popular students became, the more vulnerable they were to bullying.

Snakes and (Social) Ladders

For several years, Elliott has given presentations on bullying to the local community. She says parents are surprised when they hear a popular student can be both a bully and a victim at the same time. According to Elliott, the danger comes when a child tries to gain more status in a social clique that is emotionally aggressive or manipulative. Signs of this nonphysical bullying can be subtle and easily mislabeled as "drama."

Jockeying for position

According to the study, bullying is more likely to occur within a social group, between two "friends" who are on the same level in social heirarchy. On the outside, this may simply look like typical relationship drama. What's actually happening may be subtle but serious bullying.

How to Stop the Cycle 

No child is bully-proof. According to Elliott, the key is to to make sure your child can spot an unhealthy friendship before it goes too far.

"We should communicate to our children what true friendship is, and what it isn't," Elliott said. "This will help them discern which peers they can trust and which ones are trying to manipulate them."

Elliott offers parents the following talking points when speaking to their child about bullying:

• Even people who say they're your friends, can bully you.
• You should confront your friends when they're being hurtful to you or others.
• Retaliating may feel good temporarily, but refusing to stoop to the bully's level will win you more popularity in the long run.
• When you hear a false rumor, just ignore it and be yourself.
• You're most likeable when you respect yourself and others.
• Bullies usually have their own insecurities. Returning meanness with kindess is the best way to break down their defense.

Warning signs

If you worry your child is being bullied, look for the following signs:

• Sudden change in friendships.
• Unexpected drop in grades.
• Irritability or moodiness.
• Reluctance to go to school.
• Avoidance of social situations.
• Faked illnesses or complaints of feeling sick.